Another day

So here’s some news.

We have a new goldfish named Dory.

Perhaps you’re thinking that you don’t recall me mentioning that we were in the market for a new fish. Or maybe you’re not thinking anything at all because you couldn’t care less whether or not we have a new pet at our house.

But, either way, I’m going to explain.

Last Friday was the school carnival at Caroline’s school. This is an event that in the past has brought us two “free” hermit crabs and three goldfish. Then last year I wised up and made a “no new pets” rule before the carnival and told Caroline she was welcome to use her tickets on all manner of silly string and face paint and snow cones, but not for any game where the “prize” included a live animal.

And it worked like a charm.

So on Friday morning before I sent her off to school I reminded her that carnival fun could include basically any activity except acquiring a new fish or crab. But then we arrived at the carnival later that afternoon and I was caught up in conversation with some other mothers and, long story short, she caught me when my defenses were down and I basically said, “You can do whatever you want, but I am neither holding a fish for the remainder of this carnival or feeding it once we get it home”.

Five minutes and two spins of the wheel later, Dory was a part of our family.

I am so weak.

However, when she marched up to me – fish in hand – I reminded her that I wasn’t going to stand around and hold a fish for the next two hours. She kind of huffed at me in an exasperated way, but ran off with her fish in a plastic bag and I figured Dory wasn’t long for the world because it was about 90 degrees and you have to think being jostled around in a plastic bag sealed with a flimsy rubber band isn’t conducive to life. As evidenced by the mass grave of goldfish that you can always find on the side street of the school later in the evening.

Seriously, where is PETA in the school carnival game? How many goldfish and hermit crabs needlessly die each year in the name of raising money for the PTO? Can we not find some other prize options? Options that don’t involve parents having to go to the local pet store to stock up on fish food or freeze dried shrimp for hermit crabs?

(I admit that I still harbor some wounds and bitterness over being pressured into buying a fancy “Crabitat” for the hermit crabs she won a few years back. I realize I had other options but I felt that the crabs needed room to roam free. And clearly I was right because some of you who have been reading for a while may remember that they eventually ran away from home.)

The carnival ended a couple of hours later and I walked with her to retrieve Dory from where she’d left him/her under a table. She seemed pleased that Dory still appeared to be so vibrant and I did my best to avoid making eye contact with the fish because I realize it’s just a fish but I have this way of becoming emotionally attached and unable to just let something die. For instance, a friend sent me some beautiful flowers last week and it took me two days to throw them out after they were obviously dead because I felt bad for them. This is the emotional make up I’m dealing with here.

And so I spent the weekend not checking on Dory or asking if she’s fed Dory or wondering about Dory’s general well-being and whether or not she’s happy in the little bowl where so many fish before her have lost their lives. I will not give in. Because eventually the honeymoon period will be over and Caroline will quit caring about Dory and then the sole burden will fall to me unless I stand strong and repeat the mantra “it’s just a fish”.

Which is exactly what I intend to do.

Yesterday morning I woke up and poured Caroline a bowl of cereal and then began to make her lunch. The making of the lunch has become an increasingly tedious task ever since she declared she is tired of sandwiches. There are only so many other options in lieu of a sandwich and I don’t know why she has to mess with history and basic science.

And so while I threw some peanut butter and crackers together along with some blueberries and anything else I could find in a package in the pantry, Caroline walked into the kitchen and laid her head down on the counter and announced her stomach didn’t feel good at all.

So I found myself on the horns of a dilemma. On the one hand, she’s not one to necessarily fake an illness. But on the other hand, I think having a day off on Monday gave her a taste of the good life and she wasn’t necessarily thrilled to come home with a bunch homework on Tuesday. Not to mention, she’d also lost her second lunchbox in a three week time period, which led P and I to have a discussion with her about personal responsibility and caused her to wail, “Great, now I’ll be the girl with the brown paper bag at school.”

Fortunately, P drove her up to the school on Tuesday evening just to make sure she hadn’t overlooked her lunchbox while leaving the playground as opposed to her theory that someone is “STEALING people’s lunch boxes at school”. Yes. Because why wouldn’t a band of thieves want to steal containers full of leaked remnants of pineapple juice and four stale Doritos?

In what she declared to be a MIRACLE, her lunchbox was indeed sitting on a bench on the playground. So perhaps the thieves just ate those four stale Doritos and put the lunchbox back where they found it.

But back to yesterday morning because I have wandered. She said her stomach was bothering her and she couldn’t risk the humiliation of throwing up at school. And, listen, I get that. I have thrown up publicly a few times in my life and it’s never an experience that leaves you feeling good about yourself. So I gave her a Pepto-Bismol and told her we could wait and see if it made her feel better and then just get to school late. In the meantime, we headed to the couch where I suggested she lay down and I began to check email and other important things like the stock market and perhaps – okay fine – I was totally checking out What Kate Wore because Kate and William are in the middle of their New Zealand tour with Baby George who is just the cutest and, frankly, I can’t get enough. I may have even watched some video feeds of them getting off the plane.

Anyway, after about ten minutes of lying on the couch, Caroline asked if she could go get her Kindle and read and I pulled the classic mom maneuver and said, “Well, if you don’t feel good enough for school then you probably just need to lie still on the couch and close your eyes”. Lo and behold, in what was our second miracle in a 24 hour period (the lunchbox being returned by the thieves being the first) Caroline decided about five minutes later that she could manage to make it through a day of school. I’m not sure if it’s because the medicine kicked in or the realization that she was in for a day chock full o’ boredom.

Thankfully she made it through the day at school without incident and even requested Luby’s for dinner after soccer practice. Nothing says full recovery like the LuAnn with fried fish with tartar sauce and macaroni and cheese.

One more thought from the day because at this point there’s no use in pretending this isn’t just a bunch of discombobulated observations, and really this next part is almost like a word problem. As I was driving to pick up Caroline and her friends from soccer around 7:15 last night, I passed by a house and noticed a girl who appeared to be in her late teens or early twenties wearing a bathing suit and talking to someone on her front porch. And I had a moment of envy where I wondered when the last time was that I had enough free time to be in my bathing suit on my front porch on a school night at 7:15.

Then I remembered that I am forty-three, so the bigger question is probably when was the last time I would have been willing to stand on my front porch in my bathing suit while cars drove by?

And the answer is somewhere around 1992. Which just happens to coincide with the last time I had enough free time to be in my swimsuit at 7:15 on a school night.

Problem solved.

So I believe I have mentioned that I have written two books, Sparkly Green Earrings and The Antelope in the Living Room. And I believe I’ve also mentioned that I recorded audio versions of both books.

What I have failed to mention is that about a month ago I received an email from the company who produces the audio version of my books congratulating me on being nominated for an Audie Award for my recording of Sparkly Green Earrings.

And my first thought was that I had no idea that there was such thing as an Audie Award.

My second thought was to wonder if it was similar to the Dundie Awards on The Office. Because, if so, awesome.

Third, I hoped it might involve some type of red carpet ceremony that would give me the opportunity to wear something besides yoga pants and my Y’all t-shirt.

So I did a little research and discovered that the Audies are like the Emmys, but for audio books and not television shows and they aren’t, to the best of my knowledge, hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Which is sad because if I had the chance to meet him I’d ask him to sit and type an insightful diary entry on his computer.

Also, if there is a fancy red carpet awards ceremony, I’m sad to report that I haven’t been invited. And that’s such a shame because it would have given me an excuse to get eyelash extensions.

You can find all the finalists in this article in Publishers Weekly. I’m nominated in the Inspirational/Faith-Based Non-Fiction category along with Max Lucado and Joel Osteen.

Can you even imagine how excited they were to finally see their names on a list with mine?

I bet they even got invited to the awards ceremony and have probably already made their appointment to get eyelash extensions.

Anyway, the nice people at ChristianAudio.com wanted to give you all a chance to listen to the audio version of Sparkly Green Earrings and The Antelope in the Living Room at a discount price.

The audio download of Sparkly Green Earrings will be available for only $2.98 from midnight of Wednesday, April 2nd through midnight Friday, April 4th. Click here to find the download.

The audio download of The Antelope in the Living Room will be available for $7.49 which is half price during the same time period. You can click here to find it.

And as always, you can find the paperback version of the books online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and your friendly neighborhood book store.

Happy listening.

As of this moment there are over 250 comments on yesterday’s post asking about how you hang your toilet paper. Or in other words, how you roll. Honestly, the last time I tackled a subject this controversial was when I asked if people made their beds everyday.

Bottom line, who’s worried about what’s going on in Russia when there are toilet paper rolls hanging the wrong way?

So where do we go from here? Where do we go now that we know we are a people divided on the issue of toilet paper? Naturally, we’ll turn to fashion. Specifically, purses that might be cute if you’re in search of a great bag for spring and summer.

Here are a few I found yesterday after I hung my toilet paper with the paper going under.

1. bahia print fabric tote

My friend Leah and I were at Nordstrom the other day and saw this bag and both fell in love. This picture really does it no justice. It’s so cute in person and perfect for summer, but I’ll tell you that it’s big. So only get it if you enjoy a large bag. Personally, I do.

But there is also the bahia print clutch for those of you who may not feel the need to carry around the kitchen sink.

2. topshop faux leather tote

I love a green bag. I mean, I’ve never owned one but I love how they look.

3. big buddha brandi hobo

Gulley has a version of this purse and it’s so fun.

4. big buddha dahlia print tote

I thought maybe I was over Big Buddha bags, but apparently not. I love how bright and colorful this is and there’s also a turquoise version.

5. rebecca minkoff tote

This bag is way too precious for me. But I still think it’s just beautiful. I’d just get that pale pink dirty in 3.2 seconds. However, it does come in other colors.

6. merona hobo weave handbag

I haven’t seen this in person but Target has had some really cute purses lately and this appears to be no exception. It also comes in a few other colors.

7. vibrant stitches bag

Noonday has some awesome bags this season. I love all the colors in this one. Perfect for the pool or just to carry around.

8. cleobella handbag

And this? LOVE. I’m such a sucker for turquoise.

9. big buddha fiji tote

This comes in turquoise, coral, and white. I love the cutouts.

10. kelly & katie colorblock hobo

Gulley and I ran in DSW yesterday because we are on the quest for the perfect wedge sandal and I saw this in person. It’s super cute and I almost bought it on the spot. Plus it’s a great price.

As for the perfect wedge sandal? I’m still looking. I’ll let you know when I find it.

Have a great Wednesday.

Well.

Several of you have essentially ruined my peaceful existence. I don’t mean to blame you except that it’s totally your fault.

After I innocently posted this picture of Caroline and P yesterday, many of you chose to focus on the way I hung the toilet paper roll.

Exhibit A:

Yes. That’s how I hang the toilet paper. And I do it intentionally. I hang the paper towels the exact same way.

For sixteen years P has occasionally felt the need to ask me why I insist on doing it like that and I’ve always replied, “Because it’s the right way”.

But then he read the comments on yesterday’s post and basically feels completely vindicated. He believes it’s confirmation that his way is the right way and mine is the wrong way.

I don’t even know why I do it like that. In part, it’s because I like the way it looks, but maybe it’s also what comes naturally to me because I’m left handed. Which, if that’s the case, I cannot help that it’s how I’m genetically predisposed.

So even though I hate to open up this can of toilet paper worms (weirdest sentence ever) I just want to know if I’m alone. Does anyone else out there hang the toilet paper roll with the paper going under instead of over? Let your voice be heard.

Or maybe I’m the only one. Maybe it’s because I’m a risk taker at heart. I mean, after all, just yesterday I went to the grocery store without a list and cooked a new pork chop recipe. I am obviously a girl who lives right on the edge.

This has been one of my favorite weekends in recent memory. Largely because it was the perfect balance of relaxation and productivity. It was basically a microcosm of how I’d like my life to be all the time.

On Friday afternoon, Caroline went with some friends to the Spring Fest at the junior high. If the name doesn’t give it away, I’ll clarify that it’s a spring festival involving silly string and cake walks and other various carnival activities. This was her first junior high activity and her report when she returned home was, “Man, I’m going to go to school with some BIG kids next year”. But she had a great time and spent all the money I sent her with, so I think it was a success.

Meanwhile, P and I found ourselves home alone for a few hours and so we took advantage of this quality time on a Friday afternoon. We fell asleep.

I took that pic of him from my position on the couch after I woke up because I wanted to document all the glamour of a typical Friday at our house.

And, yes, in case you’re wondering, that’s a box containing a brand new Husky Gear Box for his truck. We just like to leave various packages in the living room to add to the decor. As you can imagine, I’m beside myself with excitement over this new Husky Gear Box. Can you even imagine the storage he’s going to have in his truck now? I mean, besides just the whole bed of it?

After we woke up and Caroline returned home, we all went to eat Mexican food, watched T.V. and went to bed because we had soccer early Saturday morning. As long as you consider 9:30 early. And I do because a 9:30 game requires us to be there by 8:45 which means we have to be up by 7:30 and that is just wrong on a Saturday.

Our team lost the game, but we won the war because P and I took Caroline to IHOP afterwards for the Rooty, Tooty, Fresh & Fruity breakfast. There is nothing that takes away the sting of defeat like a plate of blueberry pancakes covered in whipped cream.

It was a rainy, gross day because it wasn’t so much rainy as just a mix of drizzle and mist, so I decided it was a perfect time to clean out our closets. I announced my intentions as we drove back to the house and stated that I needed to run to Target to buy more plastic hangers because I realized recently that the reason Caroline’s clothes don’t stay on their hangers is because I’m still using her baby hangers and, well, she’s almost eleven. Her clothes have changed in size significantly. And then I looked at P and announced, “I’m going to get plastic hangers for you too because I’m tired of all those wire hangers on your side of the closet”. He just looked at me and Caroline piped up from the backseat, “Daddy’s a grown man. You should leave his side of the closet alone”.

I felt like she spoke some truth to me in that moment. What he does over there with his array of fishing shirts is his business. And if that involves wire hangers, then so be it.

So I spent the next several hours taking down all my spring and summer clothes from the top of the closet and folding sweaters to put away until next winter and threw things that I didn’t want into a pile on the bathroom floor until it looked like this.

I cannot even express the level of accomplishment I experience from a cleaned out closet. It seriously may be a place in my life where I might struggle with pride issues. I can’t quit looking at it for days afterwards. And I don’t mean to brag (Yes I do) but this may have been my biggest clean out ever. I truly threw out some things I’ve held onto for years, including a paisley sundress from Harold’s that I bought in 1996. For those of you playing at home, that’s the year before I married P. It was time.

The closet clean out also proved to present an opportunity for P and Caroline to mock some of my hat choices of the past.

It’s easy to judge someone else’s fashion-forward choices when your wardrobe consists of things mainly bought at Academy.

After I finished my closet, I moved on to Caroline’s. She’d already made a pile of things she didn’t want anymore that largely consisted of the things I loved the most. But the heart wants what it wants so we put it all in a large bag and will never speak of it again because she specifically implored me not to ask her, “Are you sure?” about any of it.

Sadly, we did not have nearly as much success when I attempted to clean out some of our old games and such. She insisted she doesn’t want to get rid of her Dora the Explorer version of Candyland that she received for her third birthday even though she hasn’t played it in at least five years. If only she felt so passionately about that cute sweater we bought at Gap last fall that she immediately threw to the wolves.

Later that evening we picked up Chinese food even though I don’t eat Chinese food. My issues involve a long, complicated story that includes sensitivity to MSG and a 17 hour bus ride. But I was happy to get them their beloved sesame chicken and made myself a Frito pie with chili from a can. It’s anyone’s guess why I can eat canned chili, but not Chinese. I can only surmise that I am a true gourmet.

(I have to confess that while I was waiting on the Chinese food I nearly tweeted, “Picking up Chinese food because that’s how we egg roll.” But I kind of died inside at myself and opted to refrain from Chinese food jokes on social media.)

And, finally, we’ve determined we need a new washing machine. We bought this stupid, beautiful front loader about eight years ago and I don’t know that we’ve had clean clothes since then. I’m tired of wiping the mold off the door rim (Yes, I leave the door open between washes and it doesn’t help. Or maybe it helps to the extent that mushrooms don’t start to grow but that’s it.) and dealing with all its various issues.

So I went to the nearby Sears outlet and told the salesman that I want an old school top loader with an agitator and a knob you turn. No computer board, no bells and whistles, no fancy glass door where I can see the clothes. In short, I want something just shy of a washboard and a tub. I did this same thing when we had to buy a new dryer a couple of years ago and am so thrilled with my ugly, plain dryer with a knob you turn to DRY HIGH HEAT or DRY LOW HEAT.

The salesman told me they should be getting some in the next few days but were low on inventory because it was the end of the weekend. Which is how I ended up back at the house doing online research that led me to the both frightening and awesome discovery that there are entire online forums dedicated to washing machines. Not only that, but people are PASSIONATE about the subject. This is a real response “You don’t even have the machine and you’ve already decided you’re a fan. You have no idea what you’re talking about or if it’s even going to work. You should stick to things you KNOW.”

What is wrong with the internet? Can we not be kinder and gentler even when discussing washing machines?

All that being said, if you have any insight into this particular matter I’d love to hear it. And remember, let’s keep it clean in the comments.

Get it? Clean? Because we’re talking about washing machines.

Maybe I should just stick to Chinese food jokes.