Month: May 2012

I’ve been sitting here for the last thirty minutes trying to figure out a way to make my day sound even remotely interesting and I can assure you it isn’t possible. But I’ll tell you about it anyway because when has that ever stopped me?

I woke up with a headache. I’m not entirely sure why but I think it was partly due to not drinking enough water the day before and partly because I knew I still had to pack a lunch that had a less than 50% chance of getting eaten.

And then Caroline decided it was a good morning to move at the speed of a glacier to get ready. I finally just instructed her to hurry up and go brush her teeth while I went into my closet to change clothes. And by change clothes, I mean that I threw on a pair of running shorts with the t-shirt I’d slept in the night before.

When I walked back into the kitchen, not only had Caroline not made any move to brush her teeth or put on her shoes, but decided to say, “That looks like something a teenager would wear. It’s so inappropriate.”

“I think you’re misusing the word inappropriate.”

(Caroline has this habit of using the most extreme word to describe a situation. Everything is “hideous” or “horrid” or “inappropriate” or “the worst thing that’s ever happened”.)

(I don’t know where she gets her tendency to exaggerate.)

I’m not sure when a t-shirt and shorts became inappropriate, especially since I wear it almost every day and was merely going to drop her off and not even get out of the car, but I think I may have snapped, “GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH RIGHT NOW AND QUIT WORRYING ABOUT WHAT I HAVE ON.”

After I dropped her off at school in my highly inappropriate running shorts and t-shirt, I came home and made a list of everything I need to get done with my last two days of total freedom. Which is why I immediately got on the couch to watch the season finale of Bethenny Ever After since it falls squarely into the category of things I can’t watch when Caroline is home.

I really wanted to watch The Bachelorette too because I have yet to watch an episode, but there just wasn’t time.

So I got off the couch and paid a bunch of bills online because P gets so cranky when they shut off our water. And then I tried to book a flight online using a Rapid Rewards voucher which proved to be harder than stopping that computer in War Games from declaring Thermonuclear Global War. I finally called Southwest Airlines customer service and discovered the reason I was having difficulty was due to the fact that the flights I wanted didn’t qualify for Rapid Rewards Vouchers. Who determines that? If you’re going to give me a free ticket as a reward, might I suggest that you allow me to travel on the day and time I actually want to travel?

Apparently that’s not a concept that appeals to the airlines. And I’d tell you how it all worked out except it hasn’t all worked out yet. It’s like a cliffhanger.

After that exercise in futility, I made a shopping list so I could make my last solo trip to the grocery store for the foreseeable future. Otherwise known as the last trip before it all starts to seem like a version of The Price is Right where contestants bid on items and might win the Showcase Showdown on the right day but might cause their mother to lose her mind in Aisle 7 on the wrong day by overbidding.

“PLEASE CAN I GET THESE DONETTES TOO? HOW ABOUT THESE SPICY CHEETOS? I’VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THESE PLASTIC SNACK CUPS! CAN WE GET BEEF JERKY?”

Don’t forget to get your pets spayed and neutered.

I loaded up on necessary summer groceries like frozen pizzas and easy things to cook on the days we stay late at the pool which is basically every day until mid-July when the pool feels like bathwater because it’s 164 degrees outside.

My other errands were all related to last day of school business. Gift cards, party snacks, and tequila. Then I texted Caroline’s teacher because I needed to run up to the school to have the kids finish something for the teacher gift. I suggested that she go run an errand while I manned the classroom.

Have you ever seen twenty children on the second to last day of school? I would have been better off calling the zoo to see if they needed a new monkey trainer. The only difference is most third graders don’t throw poo.

As soon as she returned I gave her the biggest hug and maybe said “BLESS YOUR HEART” one too many times and then I mentally made a note to get her an even nicer teacher gift.

I left there and went to get my eyebrows waxed since I was already in pain. And to add insult to injury, they did that thing where they ask if I want my lip waxed too. Clearly they don’t watch Price is Right because they overbid in the form of damaging my already fragile self-esteem.

And then I picked up Caroline from school where I discovered she hadn’t just let her friends sign her yearbook. She let them sign her face. With Sharpie markers.

Yes. And my shorts are inappropriate.

I hope you all had a lovely Memorial Day weekend.

We did. Except for the fact that we have three days of school left which just seems nine kinds of wrong. Especially since every time I’ve asked Caroline what they’ve done at school for the last week the answer is “Helped pack up the classroom”. Let’s know when to cut our losses and move on. It’s time for Coppertone and swimming pools and lazy mornings that don’t involve packing a hot dog weiner wrapped in a tortilla and calling it lunch.

So the big event around here was the garage sale.

That’s right. It actually happened.

Gulley and I threw caution and common sense to the wind and went with it. On Thursday night P asked me how many tables we needed for the sale and said he’d drive out to the church and pick them up. I texted Gulley to ask her and she texted back, “Do we need tables?”

This should be your first clue that we walk around the majority of the time with no idea what we’re doing.

But on Friday we tried to pretend we were organized. I went to Office Max and bought the official Garage Sale Kit, complete with four garage sale signs and colored stickers for price tags. Gulley bought the garage sale permit and we got a huge container of Country Time Lemonade mix for the kids so they could have a lemonade stand.

And it all seemed pretty easy.

Until P and I began loading up his trailer at 5:15 on Friday afternoon with all the stuff we planned to sell so we could take it over to Gulley’s house.

You need to know that my car was also completely filled to the brim.

And that we heard the theme from Sanford and Son loud and clear.

I texted Gulley to let her know I wasn’t even sure it was all going to fit in her garage. And I was even less sure once we arrived at her house and I actually saw the garage filled with their stuff. But we spent the next few hours hauling stuff in and putting price tags on the essential items and trying to pretend that we had a plan.

And after a few slices of Papa John’s pizza and laughing about Nena’s proclamation that Gulley was probably going to buy all my old shoes, the garage looked like this.

I know.

We had no game plan. Unless you count waking up at 6:45 the next morning to drag everything out to the driveway a plan.

But P had taken care of his business. He’d picked up a few tables from the church and organized himself quite the boutique in a corner of the front yard and even put a nail in the tree so he could showcase the deer mount he planned to sell. It was like how they have those Kentucky Fried Chickens inside a gas station. Except instead of chicken he was selling miscellaneous gun parts, ammo, a deer mount, various off road lights and a game call.

(Those aren’t guns, by the way. They’re gun stocks. Even in Texas you can’t sell guns at a garage sale.)

Saturday morning dawned bright and early. Caroline and I had spent the night at Gulley’s house because that seemed easier and more fun. P showed up with Shipley’s donuts and kolaches and we all got to work trying to stage our merchandise and/or junk. But it’s hard to make four old backpacks, fifty-two stuffed animals and sixty-four pairs of shoes look all that appealing.

Gulley and I put up signs around the neighborhood and posted it on Craig’s List the night before, but P was concerned it was going to be a flop because only one person showed up before 8:00 a.m. And I was half afraid he was right.

But slowly and surely the customers showed up. And Caroline, Will, and Jackson accosted each and every one of them with plastic cups full of lemonade.

Over the course of the day we sold all the big stuff that we hoped to unload. An armoire, baby beds, strollers, rocking chairs, bicycles, a Barbie Mustang, and a couple of beds. Oh, and P sold the deer head, ammo and several other hunting related items.

We met a few possible hoarders, a man that informed us the United States will be in a civil war within six months and a guy that paid Will $1 to test drive the Barbie Mustang to ensure that it still worked.

(On a semi-related note, Gulley told me that when she was little her grandparents had a garage sale at their house and a man asked her grandfather if he could take her bike for a test drive. Granddaddy let the man ride the bike and the man rode away and never came back. What kind of soul-less person would do that?)

(Consider that your garage sale cautionary tale of the day.)

Gulley and I also pulled out a purse for Nena because Nena loves herself a purse from a garage sale.

And then around 2:00 p.m. we realized we’d been sitting around the table at P’s Boutique for an hour and hadn’t had any customers. So Gulley and I packed up everything that was left and dropped it off at Goodwill.

We all sat around and counted our earnings while the kids did the same and then divided their lemonade profits by three. They made $17 each which is a pretty good haul after a morning selling lemonade for fifty cents a cup. Of course it helped considerably that Mimi and Bops showed up and paid $5 for their cups of lemonade.

On the way home I told Caroline that they could have made even more money if they’d stayed out there longer, trying to drive home a point about working hard and being committed. The truth is that for all their early morning enthusiasm, they were over the lemonade business and jumping on the trampoline by 10:00 a.m.

But Caroline said, “I know. But we got bored. And some of those people just said no and there were a few people that were too picky.”

“What do you mean? What did they say?”

She replied in an exasperated tone, “Well, one man asked for more ice and another lady asked for a whole new cup just because there was a wee little hair in her lemonade.”

Yes. That is so picky. I can’t imagine why she wanted a new cup.

Personally, if it had been me, I’d be done with lemonade forever.

On Saturday night, after the longest, hottest shower of my life (think Silkwood), I fell into bed and didn’t move for nine hours. And when I finally got out of bed the next morning, every muscle in my body ached and I limped into the kitchen.

Which either means I’m really out of shape or offers insight into why Fred Sanford walked the way he did.

Selling junk is harder than it looks.

Sometime around the beginning of May I either heard or read that May is the silent December. It’s packed full of events and parties and can you send $10 to school for the party and another $15 to school to buy a t-shirt and oh we need to get $25 for the yearbook.

It’s exhausting and busy and I can’t remember when I’ve been so ready for summer. With the exception of last year. I think I might have been more ready then.

But this is close. Fortunately there are five days left. FIVE. And then I can put away the lunch box for three glorious months.

Here are just a few things I thought I’d share if you’re interested.

1. I haven’t watched one minute of The Bachelorette yet. It’s like I don’t even know who I am.

But I’m still planning to get caught up because I think Emily is cute and I’m counting on her to keep it classy.

2. P has some clients that have given him a bunch of zucchini and cucumbers from their garden. I finally made zucchini bread last night, but need some more ideas.

Anyone have any good recipes using fresh cucumber? Other than just cutting it up and dipping it in ranch dressing?

3. I was so excited that Phillip Phillips won American Idol last night. He was my favorite from the very beginning and totally sealed it with that song “Home”.

And when he sang it after they announced he won, I had to wonder if Jessica might have known her chances weren’t good when she saw the drum line lined up backstage.

If you don’t watch American Idol this makes absolutely no sense.

4. Thank you so much for all the garage sale tips yesterday. I’m now half-tempted to just say EVERYTHING’S A DOLLAR and call it a day.

Except for the things I don’t want to sell for a dollar.

5. On a whim, I bought a new bottle of nail polish at the store yesterday. It’s Essie Turquoise and Caicos and is kind of an aqua color.

I think it’s kind of fun for summer but Caroline told me she didn’t think it was appropriate for old people.

It’s a shame that I had to kick her out of the house. I’ll miss her.

6. Don’t forget that you have the chance to win $150 gift card to Target if you haven’t already entered. Just click over to this post and leave a comment.

$150 is a lot of Merona.

7. A few weeks ago I read this post by Sarah Bessey and haven’t quit thinking about it. It is just beautiful.

8. My friend, Shaun Groves, is offering an online songwriting workshop on June 14th called Re:Write. It’s a three hour workshop for songwriters at all levels and you can find out all about it by clicking here.

I was tempted to sign up until I remembered that I have virtually no musical talent at all. Unless you count the kazoo.

I am a whiz on the kazoo. And I also play a pretty mean tambourine.

9. Right now I’m doing Kelly Minter’s Bible study on Nehemiah and it is so good. I can’t recommend it enough and it would be a perfect summer study if you’re looking for one.

10. I wasn’t asked or paid or bribed to mention any of these things. They are all just things I love right now and thought I’d share with the group.

And don’t forget to tell me if you know any good cucumber or zucchini recipes.

Farewell until tomorrow.

It has been a busy two days around here and my original plan was to tell you all about it but it will take more time than I have right now because I am tired and need to go to bed.

So I’m going with an entirely different topic.

I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that Gulley and I are planning on having a garage sale. It was originally going to be last Saturday but we had to postpone it and are now planning to have it this Saturday. Or she might text me in the morning and tell me the whole thing’s off.

We are giving new meaning to the phrase “flying by the seat of our pants”.

But we’re going to have to do something soon because I’ve continued to pile all my slightly worn/kind of used/will anyone pay money for this? things in the master bedroom and we’ve gradually moved from Sanford and Son territory to an episode of Hoarders.

It doesn’t help matters that P has taken this opportunity to clean out the back house and has added all manner of hunting, fishing, and other outdoor accessories to the pile. I have no idea what most of it is but he has made it clear that he’s not willing to bargain. His final price is whatever the price tag says and if people don’t like it then he will take it all back home and keep it on sheer principle.

(Unless I can figure out a way to drop it off at Goodwill without him noticing.)

I’m not exactly sure why Gulley and I decided a garage sale was a good idea in the first place. Everyone who has ever had one will tell you that by the time you factor in the time and effort they put into it that they made approximately $1.60 an hour. But now that we’ve lit this match, we feel like we need to go forward and maybe it will, at best, prove to be an interesting life experience wherein we make $20 a piece or, at worst, serve as a cautionary tale to others filled with stories of people who want to haggle over a dime and break a radio while you’re not looking so you have to give them a discount.

(That actually happened to P’s mom one time when she had a garage sale.)

But here’s where you come in. Do you have any advice? Tips? Organizational skills and/or expertise that you can share? A pricing system that you use that won’t make me feel like Bob Barker by the end of the day?

I mean, other than DON’T DO IT because at this point I think we’ve committed.

Unless Gulley texts me to say she’s changed her mind and it’s too much work.

Because we like to keep our options open.

Thank you in advance for helping us in this moment of sheer insanity.