Author: Big Mama

So there was a point around 2:00 a.m. on Saturday morning when I believed I may not live to see 2:05 a.m. In the words of Fred Sandford, “It was the big one, Elizabeth”.

Except I didn’t think I was having a heart attack.

I had succumbed to the dreaded stomach bug. Like the worst stomach bug I ever remember having in my life.

But let me back up so I can bore you with all the details. Also, you may want to quit eating your breakfast while you read this. It starts off innocently enough, but ends in a dark, dark place that is not for the squeamish.

On Friday morning I’d scheduled a housekeeper to come clean my house because it just felt like it needed a good thorough cleaning and not the half-hearted wiping of the countertops with a damp paper towel and then lighting a candle so it smells good type of cleaning that I have perfected into an art form.

And then I left the house for the next few hours and went to Starbucks to try to get some writing done because I believe I mentioned that I am now under a deadline that is drawing closer by the day and I can’t talk about it anymore or I will have to put my head between my knees.

Caroline had early dismissal from school so I stopped by the house briefly to drop off my computer and take in the wonder that is a house you didn’t have to clean yourself and then I picked her up from school. We ran a few errands and then picked up Gulley’s boys from school and I brought them back to my house.

Let’s not even pretend that I didn’t threaten them all with all manner of spring break fun being taken away if they dared to mess up my freshly cleaned house. All I wanted was twenty-four hours of clean. No dirt on the bathmats, no mud tracked through the kitchen, no boys with bad aim using my toilet. I wanted to squeeze all the clean enjoyment I could out of my house.

In fact, at one point the kids came in and asked me to make them popcorn on the stove which I normally do on Fridays and Gulley said, “No. She’s not making you popcorn today. Her house is clean and smells clean and she doesn’t want to ruin it with popcorn smell.”

See? That’s why we’re best friends. She gets me.

And then we spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on life because we’ve both been busy lately. Later on I talked to Mimi and Bops because they were going to take Caroline out to dinner so P and I could have a night out. We’d planned it earlier in the week because there are a bunch of new restaurants that just opened in the Pearl Brewery area and we wanted to try something new and hadn’t been out in a while.

So Mimi and Bops picked up Caroline and we got dressed for dinner and decided on The Boiler House which is like a Texas Wine Garden and Grill type place. It was a great dinner. We split the fish stuffed with crabmeat and ordered a side of au gratin potatoes and some roasted brussels sprouts. And then we shared a chocolate cake with creme brulee ice cream for dessert.

Well, I say we shared it. The truth is that by the time dessert arrived I started to feel really full. And not great overall. I figured I’d just eaten too much and the feeling would pass. So I took a bite of chocolate cake and let P finish the rest.

By the time we got home I really felt bad. I was so irritated at myself for eating too much but didn’t feel like I really had in the whole scheme of things. P suggested we take a walk around the block to work off a little bit of dinner and I agreed it was a good idea. I picked up Caroline from Bops and Mimi’s house about an hour later and still felt bad. And had a hard time telling them about the fish we ate for dinner because I was really starting to feel like FISH IS EVIL.

Finally, around 11 p.m., it hit me. I ran to the bathroom. And I forever ended my relationship with fish and au gratin potatoes. They are dead to me.

Which is such a shame because I find there is really no better combo than cheese and a potato.

And here’s where I really let you peek into my twisted psyche. I was simultaneously elated that I knew my toilets were squeaky clean as I threw up repeatedly and traumatized because MY TOILETS WERE SQUEAKY CLEAN. And it was all ruined.

In hindsight, the popcorn smell wouldn’t have been that big of a deal.

Around midnight I thought it might all be over, but I was wrong. 2:00 a.m. was really the low point. I vowed to never eat again and then made my way back to bed where P asked, “Are you okay?” and I whispered, “I may never be okay again.”

The rest of the night is a blur of trips to the bathroom and wishing for death and trying not to think about potatoes and cheese or fish. I don’t know what any of this means for my former love of cheese fries.

And before you ask if it might have been food poisoning, I’ll remind you that P and I ate the exact same thing out of the exact same plates. It was clearly just an ill-timed stomach bug.

(Yes. As opposed to a stomach bug that comes at a good time. Like a plague of locusts.)

I finally fell asleep around 6:30 a.m. and woke up about 10:00 still feeling like warmed over death with a side of blech. I knew Gulley had a stockpile of Zofran from when Will was sick a while back so I texted her and said, “Zofran? Please. Help. Me.”

She was at my house in five minutes and I’ve never taken a pill so fast. And then I laid in bed for the next four hours because I couldn’t even move. P kept checking on me to see if I needed anything but lacked the ability to provide me with a new stomach lining and a case of amnesia, so instead he just kept the air-conditioning cranking and the fan on high.

I finally crawled out of bed around two on Saturday afternoon feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. About an hour later I attempted to eat a Saltine and drink some Gatorade.

On the upside, I woke up Sunday morning after sleeping twelve hours and felt much improved. However, I can’t not say the same of my relationship with food.

*******

Okay, due to stomach bug issues the Dallas signing has been cancelled. I am so sorry! I hate it so much, but we are going to try to reschedule. I’ll keep you posted!! Thanks for understanding!

***Edited to add two quick book-related notes*****

1. I’ll be in Dallas signing books this Tuesday, March 12th at 7 p.m. at the Lincoln Park Barnes and Noble at 7700 West Northwest Hwy (across from North Park Mall). Would love to see you there if you don’t already have big Spring Break plans. Plus the bookstore is almost like a beach vacation but without the beach.

2. The kindle version of Sparkly Green Earrings is only $5.00 right now. FIVE DOLLARS. You can get it here.

I have no idea how long it’s going to last so you may want to get it now instead of procrastinating like I do.

******

I have missed you terribly.

Honestly, I didn’t plan to take a three day break but I ended up taking a little road trip to Houston and accidentally stayed up until 2:45 in the morning with some dear friends laughing and talking and solving many, many problems and then I got home and was exhausted and we were out of toilet paper and Advil.

Clearly, we were on the verge of disaster.

But fashion always prevails and so I’m glad that I’m back for Fashion Friday. And I so appreciate y’all being excited about the next book even though you share my concerns over what types of giveaway items I’ll have for a book called The Antelope in The Living Room when it comes out sometime in 2014.

I have no idea. But I promise it won’t be your very own stuffed antelope head. I’m deeply sorry because I can sense your disappointment.

Anyway, here are some cute things I found this week. Or maybe that I found online in the last three hours. Whatever.

1. embroidered spirit tunic

This is just so perfect. I love the embroidery. And the flowy-ness. I can just picture this with some skinny colored jeans and a cute pair of sandals.

2. calexico colorblocked dress

Ditto for this. It’s a totally different look, but I’d never wear it as a dress. But as a tunic? Perfect.

3. towne & reese coral earrings

If you’re going to buy one pair of earrings for the spring and summer, well, they should probably be green. However, coral is a close second.

4. maritza print shift dress

I saw this online last week and couldn’t decide if I liked it or not. But now it has firmly moved into the LIKE category. Love the colors and that’s it kind of different.

5. pleated tank

This comes in yellow or a great royal blue color. Perfect for spring and summer in either one.

6. braided hoska belt

I love a good belt. And this is a good one.

7. sail away dress

I realize online this may not look like anything great. But I saw it in person in the store the other day and thought it looked so cute paired with gold jewelry and sandals. It’s more chambray than it looks in the picture.

8. san fernando printed dress

Another item called a dress that probably isn’t a dress for most of us. But I love the colors and I think it would be cute paired over pants or leggings.

9. seafoam crochet shorts

Now. I realize that some of us may no longer be fans of shorts. But I had to share these for those who still feel okay about shorts because they are so fun. I love the colors. I love the crochet. I love the chevron.

10. perfect everyday shirt

This is called the Perfect Everyday shirt. And I agree that it’s perfect for everyday. And it comes in all manner of colors.

So that’s it for today.

Y’all have a great Friday.

Well.

It’s funny how things work out. Or don’t work out as the case may be.

As it turns out, I didn’t end up spending my Saturday morning in the 33 degree weather watching Caroline play soccer.

Mainly because this happened on Friday afternoon.

She turned into the Terminator.

Actually, that’s her foot. In a boot.

Which I like to say in a Canadian accent.

Even though the only time I’ve actually been to Canada was a quick trip to Vancouver back in 1999 and all I saw was the inside of a Hilton because it was for a pharmaceutical sales meeting and it always seemed they had a strict policy against allowing us to actually see the city we were visiting.

So basically what I’m saying is that I’m just making a complete stereotype that Canadians really say “A boot”. And you should also know that my sense of humor was totally lost on Caroline as I kept saying, “You’re A Boot to get A Boot”.

But considering this is the face she made when I asked her to smile for the camera, I don’t feel like she’s in a position to judge my Canadian humor.

Clearly the big question is what happened?

Yes. We don’t really know for sure.

For the last week Caroline had been complaining about her ankle. And so she’d come home from school and we’d put some ice on it and take an Advil. (Yes. We would take an Advil. One for her, one for me because the whole ankle thing was making my head hurt because I wasn’t sure what to do about it since there’d been no definitive injury.)

Finally P said I should probably take her in to see the doctor. So I picked her up from school early on Friday and we went to the doctor so we could shell out any money we hoped to save for something fun on X-Rays and an exam.

As it turns out, she has a fractured growth plate. Which sounds a lot worse than what it really is. The truth is it’s a kid version of a sprained ankle, but kids still have soft growth plates to allow their legs and arms to grow to normal size because ideally no one wants T-Rex arms.

However, these growth plates can be traumatized (Can’t we all?) and that is what happened to Caroline at some point during soccer practice or jumping down repeatedly from the tree in our backyard or while trying to do flips off the monkey bars at recess. There is really no telling.

But she has to wear the boot for two weeks and keep it immobilized.

Which translates to no soccer games for two weeks.

However, she and P still went to the game on Saturday morning to support her team. I did not feel called to such dedication and showed my support by staying in my warm bed until I woke up at 9:45 a.m. and watched an old episode of 90210. I felt like it was the right decision.

They came home around 11:00 with breakfast tacos because they’d missed the chicken biscuit at Chick-Fil-A by six minutes. Which is almost just cruel. P asked me why I didn’t run over to Chick-Fil-A to get us all biscuits and I had to wonder what alternate universe he has ever lived in where I get out of bed on a cold Saturday morning even for a chicken biscuit. We’ve been married almost sixteen years and I feel like he should know me better than that.

But the breakfast tacos were delicious and seemed a fitting choice since Saturday was Texas Independence Day. And while we didn’t want to be a part of Mexico, we are certainly grateful for their food.

Then Saturday night P grilled quail and we sat outside and listened to Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard. And looked at the stars in the sky and made a toast to all things Texas.

God bless it. It’s a boot the best place on earth.

This is going to be a super quick post because it just is. It’s all I have time for today and I feel I should tell you that I almost opted for no post at all. But that’s so hard for me to do because I have issues and I feel bad when I just don’t post without giving a warning that I’m not going to post.

I know. I probably need medication.

But there are a few quick things I want to share and now I probably won’t be able to remember most of them and I’ll be sitting here for twenty minutes staring into space. It certainly doesn’t help that P is sitting here next to me watching some movie called The Expendables and it’s very loud. I’m not sure what it’s about but I can tell you that Sylvester Stallone is very angry about something.

Okay. Few things.

1. A few weeks ago I got an email from a girl named Logan asking if I was interested in being one of the keynote speakers at the Allume Conference this year. And I kind of thought it might be a joke.

But it turns out they were serious. And so I’m speaking at Allume which is October 24-26 in South Carolina. I’ve never been, but I hear it’s really great. Or at least it was before I became one of the speakers.

Registration opens today and you can get tickets and find out more on the Allume site.

2. I put this on Twitter but I have to share it here because it made my whole week. A sweet girl emailed me yesterday to tell me she’d written about my book on her blog. And I emailed her back to thank her and let her know I appreciated it.

Then I got an email back from her that said, “Thank you so much. Your butt really inspired me.”

Which was a first.

And, sadly, it was an autocorrect error. My book is actually what inspired her, but for a brief moment I was so happy for my butt. Even though it honestly could use some work and maybe a few squats.

3. I realize many of you have already seen this, but if you haven’t then your life is about to be richer than it was five minutes ago.

A friend sent that to me along with the other video of goats after I tweeted that Caroline informed me she had decided to give up goats for Lent like they did in the Bible.

I’ve never been so confused.

However, we’ve decided as a family to all give up goats for Lent. I’m sure you can only imagine what a sacrifice that’s been.

4. I found out about a cool ministry opportunity through a reader named Anna. It’s called Bloom. And their mission is to collect new and gently used formal dresses and accessories as well as men’s dress clothes. They are renovating their old youth house into a “boutique” where kids can borrow from our collection for prom, homecoming, banquets, and the like.

More information can be found on their Facebook page. All donations are tax deductible. The grand opening is March 1 and they’ll be giving away a Lenny and Eva bracelet to someone who likes their Facebook page.

5. I’ve been in a recipe rut. Which actually isn’t totally true. I’ve been in a cooking funk. But I think it’s directly related to the fact that I don’t feel like cooking. However, this creates a problem when people who live in your house want to eat.

Gulley and I were lamenting about this last week and how we had both gotten so bad about figuring out what to make for dinner and she said, “I’m going to get it together next week and do better”. Ever the encourager, I responded, “No you’re not. You won’t get it together for at least another three months because it’s going to be baseball season and then it will be summer. Basically you won’t get it together again until next fall.”

And then she told me she was scared of my honesty. But we laughed because it’s so true. Neither one of us is going to get it together. We just have to ACT like we have it together.

All that to say that I’ve been looking for a few new recipes. And I found the link to this tortellini with spinach, Italian sausage and mushrooms recipe on Laura’s Organized Junkie weekly menu plan. And it was delicious.

Why do I read a blog about organization? The same reason I look at creative lunch ideas on Pinterest.

I’m delusional.

Okay. That’s it for today.

See you tomorrow for Fashion Friday.