Author: Big Mama

I believe it was Mark Twain who said there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. Or maybe it was someone else. Either way, our annual summer road trip ended on my back steps yesterday around noon and, I don’t want to speak for Gulley, but I think we all still really like each other based on the fact that the kids begged to stay together and play for the rest of the afternoon.

For the record, we said no. At this point I think a little absence will make the hearts grow fonder.

And so we are home. I have no real goals or plans for the week, but I probably need to go to the grocery store at some point because it appears we are out food/everything we have is expired. The sad part is I didn’t even know if the milk was bad because I had no idea of the actual date. I lost track somewhere around last Tuesday. So I guess my plans include making a grocery list and painting my toenails some shade of turquoise.

That probably seems like an odd goal, but I’ve wanted to try it all summer and then I went to dinner with my friend Stephanie a few weeks ago and her toes were turquoise and I thought it looked fun. Maybe it has something to do with my 40th birthday being right on the horizon and this is my answer to the mid life crisis. You have to admit it’s cheaper than a red convertible and a toupee.

So I guess the last time I reported from the road was after the kids had their silly string fight. If memory (and the blog post) serves, that was on Wednesday. We left Houston earlier that morning and drove to Bryan to see Honey and Big. Gulley and I were really hoping to find some great small town Texas cafe where we could stop and eat lunch on the way, but had to settle for Chick-Fil-A. Which is not small town, but does have the best chicken nuggets. And I don’t know if you’ve tried the chicken wrap, but I highly recommend it. It’s healthy and delicious which can’t be said of pretty much anything else I enjoy eating.

On Thursday we all slept late and then ate lunch at Ninfa’s. (You may start to feel like this whole thing is about food and it might be because I ate my way through Texas. I’m officially on detox starting six minutes ago when I ate my last Sour Patch Kid from Dylan’s Candy Bar.) Then later that afternoon we took the kids to the pool to burn a little energy and to show off their various diving board skills.

There aren’t any photos of Gulley or me going off the diving board. Mainly because we didn’t go off the diving board.

Friday morning, Gulley, Caroline and I went to visit my Nanny for the day. We took her out to eat lunch at Casa Ole’ and I’m proud to say that Gulley and I managed to get her in and out of the car without having to chase her runaway walker across the parking lot which is a huge improvement from last year.

On Friday night we headed out to watch the Brazos Valley Bombers. I happen to think Bombers games are so much more fun than the Astros, but when I made that comment out loud I’m fairly sure I got an eyeroll and a “REALLY?” from Jackson. I’m certain he was embarrassed to know me at that point. But just wait until I paint my toes turquoise. Then we’ll see who can totally pretend to be cool.

We seriously considered driving home on Saturday. I was a little concerned with Caroline’s state of mind. She was beyond tired and I could tell from the moment she woke up that it might be a day full of “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” and “YOU NEED TO BE KIND TO YOUR FRIENDS” and “DO YOU WANT TO PACK UP AND LEAVE RIGHT NOW?” But sometimes I like to throw caution to the wind, plus the kids all really wanted to go to Adamson Lagoon and why would we deny them that? Especially when we knew it would wear them out and we could put them to bed early and watch Sweet Home Alabama on CMT?

And so off we went for a day of big pool fun. The kids slid down the slides and jumped on the floating lilypad thing until Will was actually slurring his words from the tiredness. Gulley and I both agreed it had been a long time since we’d been at a pool where so many people took regular smoke breaks and ate Funyuns poolside with no shame. But it was big fun and achieved its intended purpose.

(I have a great picture of the kids at Adamson Lagoon, but it’s on my phone. And apparently my phone and my computer aren’t speaking to each other right now. Maybe it’s the same thing that happened to Will and his Kindergarten girlfriend. He told us on the trip that they “had a dump” which was his way of saying they broke up. I think my phone and computer have had a dump.)

Later that evening, Honey and Big took us all out to eat at Longhorn Tavern. We all ordered the chicken fried steak because why even go through the motions of eating healthy at this point? Caroline and I had words over her frustration that I made her order the kids’ size portion and I finally agreed that I would pay her $50 if she managed to clean her plate. A Vegas bookie would wish for these kind of odds. She’s a kid that eats two pieces of a four-piece chicken nuggets meal and can live on half a cheese cube for four days.

Needless to say, she is not $50 richer. I knew I had it in the bag when she asked, “Do I have to eat all the fries too?”

Gulley and I stayed up late with Honey on Saturday night laughing about things that happened twenty years ago and apologizing to her for all the times we were idiots and caused her to lose sleep. And then we all went to bed.

I should be embarrassed to tell you that we SET OUR ALARMS for 9:00 a.m. so we could wake up and get back to San Antonio by early afternoon. Let’s count all the reasons that setting an alarm for 9:00 a.m. is worthless.

Wait, there might be too many.

And so we were on the road by 10:00 a.m. with three kids who we’ve realized have not only grown bigger in the last year, but much, MUCH louder and with increased talents that involve fake burps. At one point I threatened to put Caroline out on the side of the road if I heard her say “diarrhea” one more time and Gulley had to turn around and ask Will why he was licking his shoe.

In other words, our 2011 summer road trip was all that we dreamed it would be.

Yesterday’s portion of the road trip involved a battle with silly string.

It’s also the day I realized I worried needlessly about packing enough clothes to last Caroline for seven days because she’s decided all she needs is her new Astros t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts.

It’s almost midnight and we’re sitting here watching Despicable Me with the kids. We’ve had a big day and I’m ready for bed. But I think I might be the only one. Fortunately, I’m one of the adults pretending to be in charge so I plan to announce it’s officially bedtime as soon as I finish writing this post and have the energy to get off the couch.

We left San Antonio around noon on Monday and headed for Houston. Mimi and Bops recently bought a place in Houston because it’s their favorite city ever and who doesn’t want a summer home in a location that’s even more hot and humid than where you normally live? And Gulley’s dad also lives in Houston. Therefore, we decided Houston was a logical first stop on our road trip.

On Monday night we went to watch the Astros or, as they’re also known, the worst team in baseball. However, this didn’t stop Caroline from talking Bops into buying her an Astros t-shirt.

The good news is that since no one really cares about watching the Astros right now, we were able to get eight tickets for a grand total of $45.00. Unfortunately, we spent twice that amount on food. Did y’all know that a barbecued brisket sandwich plate at Minute Maid park is $13.00? Neither did I. But Bops did because he tried to convince Mimi that they weren’t selling them on the third level where our seats were located.

So we ate a varied combination of ballpark foods including a chili cheese dog, the aforementioned sandwich, three things of cotton candy, two buckets of popcorn, and a snow cone that was larger than a person’s head.

I’ll just say that I had some regrets about chasing my barbecue brisket sandwich with a few bites of Caroline’s chili cheese dog. Which probably shouldn’t come as a surprise.

I’ll break it down for you Mastercard-style.

Cotton candy – $15.00
Two Brisket Sandwiches – $26.00
Listening to Bops talk about how baseball isn’t what it used to be and how the fans are more excited about watching the jumping cans of refried beans on the jumbotron – PRICELESS

Our plan for Tuesday morning was to take the kids to Galveston for the day. We had big plans to pack a cooler full of Gatorade, Fritos and bean dip and rent an umbrella and some chairs on Stewart Beach. In other words, we feel it is of the utmost importance to teach our children about the finer things in life.

The flaw in our plan came in the form of thunderstorms coming in from the Gulf. When you’ve been living in drought conditions as long as we have, you forget to factor in things like rainfall. But I have vowed I will never complain about rain again because it is so desperately needed. Not to mention there are PLENTY of other things to complain about in this world. AT&T makes sure of that.

Gulley called me from her dad’s house to discuss our options now that Project White Beach Trash had been scrapped. Ultimately, they voted for a visit to the Aquarium. Which, truth be told, turned out to be so much easier than the beach. Especially because I prefer to see my sharks behind glass.

For reasons I don’t totally understand, there is also a white tiger at the Aquarium. I don’t know how he fits into the whole underwater scenario but I’m pretty sure if he could have figured out a way to break the glass he would’ve have eaten a child sitting in the stroller in front of us. He kept eyeballing her and I could almost see the thought bubble forming over his head that said, “FREE, DELICIOUS MONKEY DRESSED IN PINK”.

Don’t worry. That’s not the real white tiger. Just a replica.

It inspired Will to make his best face like an ape.

After all the big aquarium fun (Is this post as boring as it feels like it is? Because it feels about eight kinds of MEH.) we drove to The Galleria. Actually, we first got lost in a questionable neighborhood near downtown Houston and then we drove to The Galleria so the kids could bungee jump and ride the glass elevators up and down and give us a heart attack by acting like fools on the escalator until we had to use our I MEAN IT mom voices.

And it was there we discovered Dylan’s Candy Bar. Some of you may remember that I totally FLIPPED OUT over Ralph Lauren’s interview with Oprah and fell completely in love with his ranch and his tee-pees and basically would like to email him and ask if I could move there and just live in his garage. Well, they also interviewed his family and that’s when I learned he had a daughter named Dylan who owns the largest candy store in the world located in New York. However, I did not know there was one in Houston.

Oh happy day.

We each filled a bag with candy and I attempted to get a picture of the kids all holding giant lollipops and was informed by a salesgirl that they don’t allow photos in the store due to copyright infringement or it being a front for a covert operation involving Sydney Bristow. I can’t exactly remember. But she told me we were welcome to take a picture SANS MERCHANDISE in front of the chocolate bunny.

So we did.

And then on the way out I saw this sign and couldn’t resist.

You have to admit that’s pretty perfect.

Well. The time has arrived.

Gulley and I loaded up the kids yesterday and have officially embarked on Summer Road Trip 2011.

Here are my top ten moments from the road:

1. Gulley called yesterday morning to tell me Will was running a fever and questioned whether or not we should go. Caroline overheard our discussion and said, “I’ve been with Will through a stomach virus. A fever is nothing. Let’s go.”

2. A quick trip to the pediatrician confirmed it was no big deal, just a little virus and so we decided THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

3. We are loaded down like the Clampetts. I’ve even resorted to traveling with my own comforter. High maintenance much?

4. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved the kids more than when they sang along to Dude Looks Like a Lady. Will gives Steven Tyler a run for his money.

5. The Triple Chocoholic Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Thank you and amen.

6. We only threatened to turn the car around and go back home three times. It’s a new personal record.

7. However, there were two separate threats involving staying home from the baseball game last night and hiring a babysitter for anyone who couldn’t be kind to their back seat neighbor.

8. The moment in Whataburger when Jackson hugged Caroline and told her they’d always be BFF (best friends forever). Oh my heart.

9. The kids dancing to the Cupid Shuffle in the back seat.

10. Looking in the rear view mirror at three smiling faces and knowing I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We’re making some good memories and, at the same time, giving the kids plenty of reasons to make fun of Gulley and me for the rest of our lives.

And that’s what childhood is all about.