Fashion

Last Saturday, Caroline and I went to Gap to return a pair of jeans I’d bought her earlier in the week and attempt to find a pair that actually fit. Note to Gap: If my 5 year old daughter, who is the skinniest kid I know and survives on one cheese cube a day, has a mid-section that won’t fit into a pair of 5 slim jeans, you might want to re-evaluate your sizing methods or check your denim labor force for drug use.

We carried about twenty different pairs of jeans into the dressing room because I was so thrown off that 5 slims didn’t fit and I had no idea where to go from there. 6 regular? 5 regular? 6 slim? Why is my life so hard?

This was really our first real dressing room experience because I know my emotional limits and had an inkling that letting her in on the decision-making process might put me over the edge. The surprise was that we had a great time. Honestly, I don’t know if she’s ever reminded me more of myself than when I watched her check herself out in every pair of jeans she tried on. The only thing missing was that she never asked, “Do these make my butt look big?”

True to her mama’s form, she chose the priciest pair and I was okay with it because they are a size 6 and are a little too long which means she won’t outgrow them yesterday. As we paid for them, I informed her that she might need to wear them rolled up for a little while because they are too long.

She looked right at me and said, “You know that is never going to happen.”

God bless her, she is my clone.

And, really, she’s right. Cuffed jeans aren’t really in right now, not that I don’t resort to it on occasion since all hems aren’t created equal.

Now for the questions.

1. Shawna asks: “Ok so if by some chance I get back to Texas is it ok to wear a scarf and plain shirt with flip flops and jeans….cause I love flip flops??”

It is totally okay. In fact, when Gap isn’t busy making 5 slim jeans that are too small to fit any human in existence, they’ve made some really cute lightweight scarves for spring like this one.

I think the scarf can be a year-round accessory as long as you don’t pass out from heat stroke. Because that’s never in style.

2. Nicole asks: “I am shopping for some warm boots that I can wear in the snow, and could use some suggestions. Any suggestions?”

I can honestly say that as a Texas girl I have never in my life needed snow boots, which explains why I thought it was a good idea to wear my running shoes as my after-ski footwear when I used to “ski”. Let’s just say that Nikes aren’t really snow-proof.

My point is I’m not sure exactly what a snow boot needs to be but I’ll pretend that I do and say that I really like these boots from KEEN or maybe these.

3. Emily asks: “Your thoughts on trouser socks…I have a huge complex about them. Do you match/coordinate with your shoes, pants, or shirt? Do you wear stripes, solids, patterns?”

I believe that trouser socks should be seen and not heard.

That makes complete sense in my head.

What I’m trying to say is that they should be an accessory that just kind of blends in to your outfit and doesn’t yell out “HEY LOOK! RED POLKA DOT SOCKS!”

Because if the best part of your outfit is your socks, you need to re-evaluate what you’re wearing.

4. Another Emily asks: “Super Bowl Sunday is fast approaching, and I do not have any idea what to wear! I realize the time tested answer may be “A jersey” or “team colors”. The females of the couples that we gather with from time to time are always dressed so cute and I always feel frumpy!”

My first instinct is to tell you to wear something that won’t show stains from superfluous Buffalo Wing sauce, but you’re probably looking for something more specific.

Also, I feel the need to say that I would NEVER recommend wearing a jersey unless you are planning to take to the field. I once broke up with a guy who wore an Aggie jersey to a football game. I realize this may not bother some people, but it was a deal breaker for me and I will own that shallow, superficial part of my personality.

I’d suggest a great pair of jeans (more on that later) with a casual sweater like this one or this one with a cute pair of boots and fun earrings.

Or you could go for a v-neck sweater layered over a tank with a scarf around your neck.

Y’all know I’m a fan of the scarf because no matter who wins the game on Sunday, the scarf is the real winner.

5. A LOT of people asked: “How do you find a good pair of jeans?”

Ladies, there is no easy answer. It requires work and dedication. Remember dating and trying to find the right man to marry? Yeah, that’s a cakewalk compared to finding a pair of jeans that will make you want to pledge your undying love.

You have to kiss a lot of denim frogs to find your prince.

Will someone please embroider that on a pillow for me?

Seriously, this may be a future video blog if I can figure out how to try on jeans without showing my rear end to the internet. In the meantime, you just have to commit to trying on a million different brands until you find the ones that fit your figure. I recommend starting at a nice department store like Nordstrom because their associates can help you find a pair that is best for your figure, but don’t underestimate the power of finding high-end brands at discount stores like TJ Maxx or The Rack.

Have I ever said that a good pair of jeans can change your life? Truest statement ever.

That’s it for the question portion of this edition of Fashion Friday.

However, I have an announcement to make. Every week so many of y’all send me emails about things you’ve found on sale or a great pair of jeans or a kicky beret and I don’t have an efficient way to share all that information, so I’ve decided to start putting up a Mr. Linky at the end of every Fashion Friday post starting next week. If you have a blog, feel free to write about your latest fashion find and you can add the link to that specific post here.

I figure we’ll give it a whirl for a few weeks and see if we all benefit from more extensive fashion knowledge than whatever paltry offering I serve up.

Y’all have a great Friday.

I had big plans, BIG PLANS, to write a great Fashion Friday post that would make y’all weep with joy over the superbness of the fashion tips and advice.

But, sadly, there will be no superbness here today and I will tell you why.

Last night, I was invited to attend a Girl’s Night Out Event in Houston with Lysa Terkeurst and Renee Swope of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and Kate Gosselin from “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”. I had the best time and didn’t get back to the hotel until 1:00 in the a.m.

You know what I don’t do at 1:00 a.m.? Write superb Fashion Friday posts.

And on a side note that is kind of fashion-related, Kate Gosselin has let her hair grow out a little in the front and she had some seriously good hair going on. Do you want to see a picture?

I would love to show you one, but I forgot that I had my camera with me until I got back to the hotel at 1:00 a.m. and found it in the bottom of my purse. So here’s what you get a picture of instead.

In case you can’t tell, those are a pack of Milano cookies that were left in the room with a nice letter welcoming a Mr. March. I guess he didn’t show up and, if he ever does, he will find that he is missing his Milano cookies.

They were delicious.

So, to recap. No picture of Kate Gosselin’s hair. Great picture of Milano Cookies.

I’m just here to serve.

Anyway, since tiredness is the mother of invention or something like that, I’ve come up with a brilliant solution to the Fashion Friday or lack thereof dilemma.

In the last week many of you (at least 2 or 3!) have emailed to ask how Fashion Friday started, so wouldn’t it be fun to go back to the posts from my original week o’ fashion that started the whole thing?

Just say yes.

And if you want to say no then just click away and come back next week.

1. Boots are your friend

2. Borrowing some wisdom from Tim Gunn

3. It’s all about a good jean pool

4. Questions, we have questions

5. I promise this is it…for now

Chances are good that a lot of information in these posts is no longer accurate and I’m positive most of the links won’t work anymore, but that’s how it all began. One week of fashion posts turned into Fashion Friday.

And the rest, as they say, is a very uninteresting history.

Y’all have a great Friday!

I have never put so much effort into something of such low quality. This video has consumed my waking moments for the past 24 hours and I may have even dreamed about it last night.

Last night around 10:30 p.m., I finally called AJ who serves as my tech support person. This is not a position she necessarily wants or has volunteered for, but she knows stuff about computers so she carries this heavy, cumbersome burden on her shoulders.

Fortunately, she happens to be in town babysitting her nephew for the weekend and I headed straight to see her this morning bearing my computer, a faulty camera and Starbucks. It took her all of about three seconds to get the video to upload using some fancy piece of technology, which I would tell you all about but let’s not pretend that I paid attention.

On a completely different note, she complimented my new purse which is huge praise coming from her since she has accused me in the past of liking “Mom bags”. She also told me that a lot of her friends read Big Mama and that blows her mind because, in her words, “you’re not even that cool”.

And, honestly, she’s totally right and this video will only serve to confirm that sad fact. Let me warn you that the quality of the video could not be worse. There are shadows on the wall, the lighting is terrible, and you see half of a deer mount the whole time which looks like a hairy tumor growing out of my wall. It’s enough to make a real cinematographer weep.

However, I feel that y’all are in need of some scarf-tying assistance (let’s not talk about how I say that with a lisp in the video) and I can’t let Angie down. It’s only a matter of time before we get to meet in real life and eat real Mexican food. I am certain of it.

Scarf Tying 101 from Big Mama on Vimeo.

Y’all have a great Friday.

Complete with fabulous scarves.

Y’all.

If ever a week was about to do me in, this would be that week. If I could go back in time and talk to myself last week at this time here is what I would say.

“Girlfriend, deciding to paint an entire backhouse in the name of distracting yourself from going to Target is a bad idea. It is evident that someone who puts off cleaning the bathrooms until the last possible disease-filled moment isn’t necessarily a good candidate for undertaking a massive home improvement project.”

I was actually doing pretty well until Wednesday came along and then I reached my limit because I tried to do too much. I spent the morning helping out in Caroline’s classroom, went to the grocery store, came home and started painting the house, went inside to make Rice Krispy treats for Caroline to take for snack, painted some more, cooked meatloaf for dinner, got Caroline bathed and in bed, and then went to Bible study while simultaneously suffering from massive PMS.

And now I would just like to crawl in bed for a week with a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup the size of my head and all the American Idol that’s waiting for me on my DVR.

So you may be wondering what any of this has to do with fashion.

Yesterday, Angie Smith from Bring The Rain posted a precious video and in this video she called out to me for some scarf-tying assistance. I love Angie and I am never one to turn down a sister in a time of fashion need, so I called Gulley and asked her if she’d like to come over and videotape me doing a scarf-tying demonstration.

Because what else could Gulley possibly have going on that’s more important than that? Feeding her family? Taking care of her children?

She came over and we basically made the most amateur video known to man. The lighting is horrible, there’s a continual clunking sound which I think is her wedding ring hitting the camera, and I sound like I have a lisp every time I say “scarf” or “issues”.

I realize that after that build up, you are dying to see it and, in all honesty, I have never worked so hard to make a big goob out of myself on the internet because I have tried (UNSUCCESSFULLY!) to upload the aforementioned video for the last twelve hours.

I’d like to blame Youtube or Vimeo, but the problem lies somewhere with my camera and my computer and my intellect. However, I have called in technical support that will be arriving later this morning and I will either get the video to work or I will make a brand new one.

It will not beat me.

And I wish in the meantime I could offer some other brilliant fashion advice, but I am completely unprepared because I put all my eggs in the scarf-tying video basket.

I could not be sorrier for my lack of technical skills and abilities and the minions of Satan who have taken over the iMovie feature of my Macbook.

Just know that I will have a video up before the day is over and hopefully it will be about tying scarves.

Wow. Fashion Friday really took a beating over the holidays. I got all caught up in the festivities, the massive plates of sugar cookies and trying to keep my Christmas tree properly watered and forgot all about the little folder in my email labeled “Fashion Friday”.

Then yesterday, when I realized it was probably time to resurrect Fashion Friday and clicked on that folder, I discovered a bunch of emails with questions like, “I’m going to a Christmas party at my husband’s office. What should I wear?” and “I’m attending a wedding on December 20th and don’t know what to wear. Help me please.” and “Santa is coming to my house on December 24th and I want to look special.”

Clearly, I am of no help at this point. I trust that it all worked out beautifully for you and humbly apologize for my propensity to get sidetracked and forget that just because I’m not thinking about something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s very reminiscent of the semester I forgot I was taking Political Science 201 because it was Spring and the sun was shining and I needed to be tan by Spring Break.

Anyway, I’m feeling a little awkward because it’s Fashion Friday and I don’t really have any questions to answer. I toyed with the idea of listing ten great bargains I’ve found, but the problem is I haven’t left my house because I know I am a weak vessel, unable to resist incredible bargains for things I do not need.

And sure I could have looked on the internet but the National Championship game was on and between trying to balance watching the game and “30 Rock”, my hands were more than full.

However, Donna from Way More Homemade saved the day by emailing me an excellent question.

“If you were going to the inaugural ball, what would you wear?”

I’m going to assume that Gap flannel pajama bottoms with a “Christmas Formal 1992” sweatshirt probably isn’t an acceptable option for an event of that magnitude.

So since I’m already pretending that I’m invited to the inaugural ball, I’m going to go ahead and pretend that money is no object and I can get away with wearing white without anyone spilling grape juice on me in their attempt to put a straw in a juice box. I’m talking to you, Al Franken.

I would choose this gorgeous Valentino dress.

But if I’m really going to go big in my imagination, then I would totally copy Jennifer Garner’s look from last year’s Academy Award Ceremony. You just know she totally found that dress off the rack at TJ Maxx.

Anyway, just a little while ago I received another fortuitous email from J. Fergie over at MamaLaw and here is an excerpt from her email.

“Inauguration 2009 in fast approaching and seeing as how I live in DC, I have no excuse not to join in the festivities. I have
ordered my dress already (GREAT deal on Macys.com) but my burning question is closed-toe or open-toe shoes?? Every fiber in my being says closed-toe (JANUARY.DC.FREEZING.) But other ladies I’m speaking to are wearing open-toe. Help! BTW, my dress is gray/silver.”

So, yeah, she’s actually going to the inaugural festivities and not just in her imagination.

I think you need to find a beautiful shoe that looks great with your dress and not worry about whether or not it’s closed toe or open toe. Because here’s a sentence you never hear anyone say:

“Wow. My feet were really cold in this fifteen degree weather until I covered up my second and third toe. Now I’m toasty warm!”

I personally love these silver strappy sandals and what’s a little frostbite as long as you look good?

Keep a pair of Uggs in the car for the ride home and you’ll get the feeling back in your feet in three to four days.

If you have any thoughts on what you’d wear to the inaugural ball or open-toe shoes or the price of tea in China, feel free to share in the comments.

And if you have any fashion questions, please email them to me and I might answer them before 2010 unless I get distracted by something shiny.

Y’all have a great Friday!

About a month ago, I came up with the idea of having an ugly Christmas sweater contest. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, but that was before I realized how many pictures of ugly sweaters I would receive in my inbox. Let’s just say that we are in the midst of an ugly Christmas sweater epidemic in America.

The other factor in all this is that I’ve discovered the game Pathwords and have developed a wee bit of the addiction. And I used the word “wee” because I type it about a hundred times a day while I try to beat my high score. It’s a sickness really. A sickness that will most likely end with me completely losing all use of my right hand to carpal tunnel syndrome.

You may be wondering what Pathwords has to do with the Christmas sweater contest. Well, it distracted me from all the Christmas sweater viewing and I procrastinated until the last minute, and then spent my Thursday evening looking at ugly sweaters until I felt like I could feel the poly-blend synthetic material and had to go take a shower.

Before I announce the winners, I’ll share a couple of things I discovered along the way.

Apparently, the holiday season puts folks in the mood to put on some sort of vest. I kind of knew this already because of an unfortunate incident at a college Christmas formal when my date wore a sweater vest. It was horrific and gave new meaning to the phrase, “Don we now our gay apparel”.

But I don’t know that I’ve ever seen someone wear a vest with this kind of aplomb and style.

According to all the entries, there is nothing that brings yuletide cheer like some sort of teddy bear or a kitten, probably because everyone knows that the teddy bears and kittens were the first on the scene at the birth of sweet baby Jesus.

If PETA is looking for a real cause they need to forget the fur coats and worry about the continual abuse of kittens on a knitwear canvas.

And, while teddy bears and kittens are the favorites, birds aren’t exempt from spreading some Christmas gaiety.

The other travesty that occurs on the holiday sweater is what people do to poor Santa Claus. Clearly these sweaters were designed by people who are still bitter that Santa didn’t bring them the Barbie Townhouse (complete with working elevator) when they were in second grade and view him as Christopher Walken Santa.

Of course I don’t know that it’s any more right to turn him into Cowboy Santa complete with surrounding cacti.

The best part of the sweater is its ability to cause normal people to tap into some latent desire to don a fake mustache and pose for cheesy pictures.

Needless to say, I had a terrible time deciding on the winners. There were so many incredible entries to choose from and I actually had to call in help to make my final decisions. Thank you all for participating and sending in your hilarious and often frightening pictures.

Now for the winners.

3rd place and the winner of a $15.00 gift certificate to Amazon is Tammy at Grateful in Georgia for this entry that is basically a sweater all hyped up on steroids and bows.

2nd Place and the winner of a $25.00 gift certificate to CWDKids is Judi for an entry that is basically a total cliche’ of the holiday sweater because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like some teddy bears doing a pyramid in the shape of a tree.

1st Place and the winner of an original piece of jewelry by Lisa Leonard Designs is Nicki at The Kenningtons. Technically this is a Christmas sweatshirt, but there is no doubt that it is just wrong.

Who takes a perfectly fine red sweatshirt and thinks “Wow! What this really needs is some KITTENS! And some POINSETTIAS! And some STOCKINGS! And some GARLAND! AND, OH WAIT! DON’T FORGET THE CHRISTMAS CLOCK AND THE CHRISTMAS CANDLE!”?

I’ll tell you who. Someone with questionable taste and attention deficit disorder.

Please email me at [email protected] to collect your prize for your truly bad entries.

By the way, I feel that I should mention no one is exempt from the holiday fashion faux pas. Wednesday night I met my group of girlfriends known as “The Birthday Club” for our annual Christmas dinner and wine exchange. I wanted to look festive, but not overly Christmas-y so I chose a red coat over a black shirt with a Burberry plaid scarf.

So did my friend Steph.

There really isn’t anything dorkier than two women in their thirties dressed totally alike and sitting next to each other in a restaurant.

Well, until one of them pulls out her camera to take a picture.

Y’all have a great Friday.