I’m cooking

I’ll just go ahead and confess that after Caroline left for school yesterday, I crawled back in bed with the remote control and stayed there for the next three hours. It was my belated Mother’s Day present to myself. I would have preferred to give myself a gift certificate for a one-hour massage, but apparently I’m cheap.

Eventually I realized it was almost lunchtime and I was in dire need of a caffeinated beverage, so I made my way to the kitchen only to discover we were down to our last Diet Coke which meant a trip to HEB was imperative even though I was hoping to put it off for one more day. Of course, P had started a list but his lists never really count because I always feel like we can go one more day without another box of Nilla Wafers or Q-tips, whereas a home without Diet Coke is a tragedy waiting to happen.

I waited for Caroline to get home from school because on her Mother’s Day questionnaire she said that one of her favorite things to do with me is go to the grocery store. Personally, I think she’s in it for the guarantee of a donut.

After a sweet forever, we finally made it home from HEB. Ever since they remodeled our store, I just roam the aisles endlessly because I can’t find anything. The layout makes no sense at all, starting with the fact that all the baking supplies are on two different aisles causing me much sorrow and anger at whoever the genius was that came up with that design.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this because the whole point of this post is to tell you about the delicious Blackened Chicken Pizza I made for dinner last night when I realized the cooking elves weren’t going to show up and prepare a fabulous, home-cooked meal for my family and the burden for nourishment lay squarely on my shoulders.

So I’ll quit rambling and share the recipe, complete with intermittent photos that really don’t do a very thorough job of showing all the steps.

Blackened Chicken Pizza (Paula Deen)

3 teaspoons blackening seasoning, divided (found on the spices aisle)
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast, pounded to 1/4 in. thickness
4 tbs. butter, divided
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 shallot, minced
2 tbs. all purpose flour
1/4 cup white wine
3/4 cup milk
2 tbs. chopped fresh basil
1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese, divided
1/2 cup fresh spinach leaves
8 slices of bacon, cooked and crumbled
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese.
Pizza crust

Sprinkle 2 teaspoons blackening seasoning evenly over chicken breast. In a large skillet, melt 2 tablespoons butter over medium-high heat. Add chicken, and cook for 2 to 3 minutes per side or until done.

You will notice that I used chicken tenders instead of a whole chicken breast because I like to minimize my contact with raw poultry and didn’t want to have to pound it to 1/4 inch thickness.

Remove from heat, cool and cut chicken into bite-size pieces.

In large skillet, melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter over medium heat. Add garlic and shallot, and cook for 2 minutes. Stir in flour, cook for 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Gradually whisk in wine and milk.

It’s totally optional but you may want to take a swig of the wine for yourself if you spent over an hour at HEB because you couldn’t find the powdered sugar.

Continue to whisk the mixture constantly for 4-5 minutes or until thickened. Stir in basil and remaining 1 teaspoon blackening seasoning. Remove from heat.

Preheat oven to 450.

Spread cream mixture evenly over prepared, unbaked crust. (I didn’t make a homemade crust, but bought a pre-made one at HEB because you know that old saying about how Rome wasn’t built in a day? That’s because they were too busy making homemade pizza crusts.)

Sprinkle with 1 cup mozzarella cheese.

Top evenly with spinach, chicken pieces, and bacon.

Sprinkle another 1/2 cup mozzarella cheese and 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese over the top.

Bake for 15-20 minutes or until lightly browned.

Caroline declared this “the BEST PIZZA I’ve ever had!”

Of course, she said that same thing last week about a frozen DiGiorno pepperoni pizza so you may want to take her culinary recommendations with a grain or six of salt.

But it actually was really good which is fortunate because I made two of them and we’re eating it again tonight.

Look P! It’s not even daylight yet and you already know what’s for dinner.

A long time ago, I used to post the occasional recipe. I don’t know why I haven’t written a recipe post in so long but it may have something to do with the fact that I assume y’all know how to heat up Dino Nuggets in the microwave or pick up your phone and order pizza.

But I seem to have inadvertently stumbled upon a case of the writer’s block, so today is your lucky day.

A while back I was on the phone with Sophie and we were talking about various ways to prepare pork products. If I remember correctly, there was a sale on pork chops at HEB ($1.99 a pound!) which led to the conversation.

Because isn’t that what friends do? Talk for hours on the phone about pork recipes, what’s on sale at Walmart, and if Jack Bauer will ultimately meet his demise through exposure to bio-weapons or who shot J.R.?

Oh my word, I have turned into my Mema.

Anyway, I told her that I couldn’t believe I’d never told her about my creamy pork tenderloin recipe because I believe it was singlehandedly responsible for P’s decision to spend the rest of his life with me. Well, that and my awesome collection of Carpenters’ CD’s.

Yesterday I actually remembered to purchase a pork tenderloin from HEB and will now share the recipe with you, complete with very poor photography of the entire process. Except for the steps I forgot to photograph.

Creamy Pork Tenderloin

List of Ingredients (I didn’t take a picture of them. This is starting out well.)

1 pork tenderloin (about 1 pound)
1 egg
1 tbs. water
1/2 tsp. dried rosemary, crushed
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 cup Italian-seasoned dry bread crumbs (I buy these because PLEASE)
3 tbs. canola oil
1 pound fresh mushrooms, sliced
2 tbs. butter
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup chicken broth

Cut the tenderloin into about six to eight pieces.

Use a mallet or hammer or whatever to flatten the pieces to about 3/4 inch thickness. You may notice in this picture that no one has shown up to demolish my countertops and hook me up with some new granite ones.

I don’t think those pieces are 3/4 inch thick but let’s just go with it. I’ve never been into precise measurements. It’s a pork recipe, not rocket science.

Combine egg, water, rosemary, pepper, and garlic powder in a small bowl. Place the bread crumbs in a separate bowl. Dip the pork into egg mixture, then into bread crumbs.

(I didn’t get a picture of any of this because my food photographer is unreliable at best. She may be worse than my maid.)

In a large skillet over medium heat, brown pork in oil for about 5 minutes on each side.

That’s the reflection from the overhead lighting that you see in the skillet. I believe this is why magazines hire food stylists and not some hack who should stick to ordering takeout.

Remove the pork medallions to a 13 x 9 pan. In the same skillet, saute mushrooms in butter until tender.

Add in a cup of sour cream. I like to use “light” sour cream in my fried pork recipes. It keeps it healthy.

Stir in cream of chicken soup. I used cream of mushroom instead because I am a culinary renegade. Also, I didn’t have any cream of chicken soup.

The last step is to add a 1/4 cup chicken broth, which is so simple when you actually have chicken broth available. It’s like I didn’t even look at the recipe before I went to HEB.

(I’ll be honest, I didn’t even look at the recipe before I went to HEB)

But because necessity is the mother of invention, I improvised.

Sure there may have been a stray princess noodle mixed in but that just adds to the complexity of the dish. Plus, guess what Caroline is eating for dinner tonight?

Stir all the ingredients together until the sauce is smooth, then pour over the pork.

Cover the dish with foil and bake in a 325 degree oven for one hour.

Serve with rice and maybe some sort of vegetable to balance out all the various cream products and butter.

I chose salad because the only green vegetable I had on hand was lettuce.

The important thing is that I remembered to buy Sour Patch Kids.

And a large bag of M&M’s.

And some Dreyer’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ice cream.

You know, the essentials.

I won’t depress y’all and tell you that P is down another four pounds since Monday.

Personally, I consoled myself by eating some chocolate chip cookie dough at Gulley’s house yesterday.

Late Monday night, I searched the internet for some low-fat, healthy recipes because a person can only eat so many grilled chicken salads before the sight of a lettuce leaf activates your gag reflex.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Funny how it never happens with brownies.

Anyway, the next day I headed to HEB with a grocery list full of words like “fruit”, “baked chips”, and “Skinny Cow”.

When I got home, P came out to the car to help me unload groceries. Normally, this is a happy time because it’s like the York Peppermint Pattie fairy has come to visit and brought her friends, Hostess Powdered Donette and Bluebell Homemade Vanilla.

Oh, but not this time.

P glanced in one of the grocery bags and looked visibly disturbed as he asked, “Are these Egg Beaters?”

Yes. Yes they are.

But don’t use all your energy getting excited about the egg substitute because wait until you see the Guiltless Gourmet baked blue corn chips and the Orville Redenbacher Taste-Free popcorn!

I actually bought the Egg Beaters because I found a recipe on the Cooking Light website that looked pretty good and thought I’d give it a whirl.

And you know what?

We all loved it, so I thought I’d pass it along. I made it for dinner, but it would be great for breakfast or brunch.

It would also be really good with a side of Baked French Toast Casserole, however that probably defeats the point.

Garden Vegetable Crustless Quiche
from Cooking Light

1 1/2 cups egg substitute
3 large eggs
1 1/2 cups shredded reduced-fat extra sharp cheddar cheese, divided
1 1/2 cups shredded reduced-fat Monterey Jack cheese, divided
1/2 cup 1% low-fat milk
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 (16 oz.) carton fat-free cottage cheese
Cooking spray
4 cups sliced zucchini
2 cups diced potato
1/2 cup diced onion
1 cup finely chopped green bell pepper
1 (8oz.) package sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley
2 tomatoes, thinly sliced

Preheat oven to 400. Beat egg substitute and eggs in a large bowl. Add 3/4 cup cheddar cheese, 3/4 cup Jack cheese, milk, flour, baking powder, salt and cottage cheese.

(P had no idea it contained cottage cheese. I feel certain he would have refused to eat it, purely on principle, had he known. A man has his limits.)

Heat a large non-stick skillet over medium-high heat. Coat with cooking spray. Add potatoes and onions.

Cook for about ten minutes or until potatoes start to become tender. Add zucchini, bell pepper and mushrooms. Saute for about 5 more minutes.

(I think I needed a bigger skillet. If anyone from Calphalon is reading this, feel free to hook me up.)

Add zucchini mixture and parsley to egg mixture. Pour mixture into a 3-quart casserole dish coated with cooking spray. Top with the remaining 3/4 cup cheddar and 3/4 cup Jack cheese. Arrange tomato slices over cheese. Bake at 400 for 15 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350 and bake for 35 minutes or until lightly browned and set.

It really is good and, if you’re like P, it might even cause you to lose four pounds in two days.

But probably not.

It’s Fiesta time here in San Antonio which means that we’ve had a really busy weekend and I’ve eaten more than my share of fried foods on a stick.

In fact, we had a late night last night filled with fireworks, homemade tortillas, and Mariachi bands.

So, I’ll be back later with a real post but in the meantime who wants to know how to make Chicken Cakes?

You do. I promise you do.

Even if you don’t think you do.

Plus, I promised my dear neighbors that I’d post this recipe on the blog because they let me borrow an egg. Without that egg there would have been no chicken cakes last Tuesday night.

And our home would have been filled with much weeping and sorrow.

Thank you Jana and Bill for that egg. My family is indebted to you for saving us from a fate of Hamburger Helper.

Chicken Cakes with Remoulade Sauce

2 tablespoons butter
1/2 medium size red bell pepper, diced
4 green onion, thinly sliced
1 garlic clove, minced
3 cups chopped cooked chicken (I buy Tyson roasted chicken because I believe I’ve mentioned I cannot deal with raw chicken without a resulting need for extensive therapy)
1 cup soft bread crumbs (I use Progresso bread crumbs with Garlic and Onion)
1 large egg, lightly beaten
2 tablespoons mayonnaise (you can use light or fat free)
1 tablespoon Creole mustard (or stoneground mustard if you can’t find Creole)
1 tsp. Creole seasoning (like Tony Chachere’s)
1/4 cup vegetable oil
Remoulade Sauce (recipe follows)

Melt butter in large skillet over medium heat. Add bell pepper, green onions and garlic. Saute 3-4 minutes or until vegetables are tender.

Stir together bell pepper mixture, chicken and next five ingredients. Shape mixture into 6-8 patties depending on the size (you can also make mini-patties to serve as hors douerves)

Fry 4 patties at a time in 2 tablespoons hot oil in a large skillet over medium heat 3 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Repeat until all patties are cooked. Serve immediately with Remoulade Sauce.

And here’s where I’d show y’all the finished product, but I ate them too fast and forgot to take a picture.

Remoulade Sauce

1 cup mayonnaise
3 green onions, sliced
2 tablespoons Creole Mustard
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/4-1/2 tsp. ground red pepper

Stir together until well-blended.

And if you have leftovers the next day, put some remoulade sauce and a chicken cake on some toasted bread.

You will be so glad you did.

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I purchased some Hostess Ding Dongs at the grocery store. Despite my disappointment that they no longer come in the foil wrapper, I tried one anyway.

And, honestly? Not really a fan anymore.

I don’t know if the folks at Hostess have changed the Ding Dong recipe, but I found them to be drier than dirt. Once I bit into that faux chocolate coating, the inner cake just fell apart. I did something I never thought I’d do and threw away the rest of the box.

Mainly because I knew, at some point, PMS would set back in and I’d eat the whole box in one sitting, all the while thinking how dry they taste but who cares because the chocolate? I must have it.

I hostessed my own snack cake intervention.

Then, at some point last week, P mentioned the Twinkie. Mmmm, Twinkies. Although I’m not usually a fan of the non-chocolate anything, it sounded pretty good.

So while we were at HEB (pronounced H.E.B. for those of y’all who asked) on Sunday, guess what we bought?

That’s right, baby. The Twinkie.

I had barely gotten them out the grocery bag when P opened the box. The first thing we noticed is that there is actual oily residue on the inner plastic of the Twinkie wrapper. That does not bode well for the amount of trans fats contained therein.

P opened one for himself and one for Caroline. I watched them to measure the Twinkie reaction. P said, “It tastes like white bread covered in butter and sugar and it’s leaving some sort of residue on my tongue.” Caroline took two bites and said, “I’m done with this, Mama.”

She has never turned down sugar in the history of the universe.

I took a bite of hers before I threw it in the trash and I immediately regretted my decision. My tongue had an oil coating that would rival the Exxon Valdez.

So, the house of Big Mama? No longer fans of the snack cake.

But at least now we know.

On a tastier note, several of y’all asked for the recipe for Baked French Toast. I highly recommend it because it is delightful and much better than any pre-packaged pastry. And it’s almost as easy.

I can’t remember for sure, but I think this came from Paula Deen. Best of all, you make it the night before so it’s perfect for Easter Sunday brunch.

Baked French Toast

1 loaf french bread
8 large eggs
2 cups half and half
1 cup milk (I use skim because I enjoy irony)
2 tbs. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
dash of salt
Praline topping (recipe below)
Maple syrup (I prefer Aunt Jemima, but if you have your own maple tree or something go for it, Laura Ingalls)

Slice bread in 20 pieces. Arrange in a greased 9 x 13 pan in two layers. Combine other ingredients until bubbly. Pour over bread. Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350. (the next morning, not the night before because that would be a fire hazard)

Spread praline topping over the whole thing and bake 40 minutes. Serve with warm, maple syrup.

Praline Topping

2 sticks butter
1 cup light brown sugar
2 tbs. light corn syrup
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg

I realize it sounds like it’s very fattening.

And it is.

I just wanted to clarify.

**Edited to add that when you mix the eggs, half and half, etc. it will all get slightly bubbly. It’s some sort of chemical reaction or something. I don’t really know why it does this because I am not a chemist. Just trust me, you’ll know it’s ready.

Also, I usually buy the thicker french bread rather than the skinny baguettes. There’s is no real trick to how thick the slices should be, but mine are usually on the thicker side along the lines of an inch to an inch and a half.