Another day

So it’s been a while since I’ve written because I basically fell into a post book launch stupor and am just now beginning to emerge and function in the world like a real person. Plus, we had some excitement around here that felt like it needed to be shared in more detail than just an Instagram post.

I mentioned that in mid-October, P left for Colorado on a ten day hunting trip to Colorado with a friend. Several of you asked if he got anything and the answer is yes. He came home with both a mule deer and an elk. Guess who’s getting a new set of antlers in her living room and has enough meat in the freezer to last through at least three Little House on the Prairie style winters? This girl.

When he left for the trip, I basically prayed that nothing would happen while he was gone. I mean, yes, I wanted him to have safe travel and a good hunt and all of that, but I also wanted life around here to be boring and uneventful. I didn’t want to hear any weird sounds in the night or have the house alarm go off or have my car break down or a pipe burst in the wall. Essentially, I didn’t want to have to be a big girl and handle any sort of thing that falls under his jurisdiction while he was out of town.

And all was going well until one night when I noticed that both Piper and Mabel were obsessed with our fireplace. They are trained hunting dogs and have noses that are made to track animals and so I found this new fascination with the fireplace slightly concerning because vermin in the vicinity of our home is solely under P’s category of expertise. My tendency is to deal with vermin the way normal people do, which is to say I put a for sale sign in the front yard and move.

For days, Piper and Mabel immediately went to the fireplace every time they came in the house and then proceeded to growl at each other which is a for sure sign that there is something there that each of them is very interested in and doesn’t want to share with her sister.

But then, probably due to my many prayers to this end, they seemed to lose interest in the fireplace and I decided maybe they’d both just been intrigued by the scent of my new lavender/eucalyptus candle because hunting dogs are known to go wild for a good candle, am I right? So I kind of forgot about it and P got home from his trip with his mule deer and his elk and life seemed to be back to normal but with 1,000 pounds of meat in our freezer and some new antlers to display.

However, a few days later, Piper and Mabel both became intensely focused on the fireplace again and so I casually mentioned to P, “That’s so weird. They did that while you were gone, too. I wonder what’s going on?”

And he asked, “Did you open the damper to see if there was anything up there?”

Yes. Sure I did. Right after I lit myself on fire.

We have been married for twenty years. I barely have the courage to open the damper to make a fire in the fireplace on a cold night when he’s out of town, so in what world am I going to open it to investigate something clearly dark and sinister lurking about? I may not have seen the movie It, Jenny, but I know what clowns are.

He grabbed his flashlight and immediately decided to check it out. He was joined by his trusty dog, Piper, because Mabel happened to be outside eating her dinner and was unaware of the potential excitement at hand.

It was precisely when I took this picture that he quietly and calmly said, “OH SH*%!” as he found himself staring eye to eye with a large raccoon who had made itself at home in our chimney. I like to believe it looked something like this.

Because I am always calm and cool in a crisis, I yelled,”WHAT IS YOUR PLAN? BECAUSE I AM LITERALLY GOING TO LOSE MY MIND IF A RACCOON ENDS UP IN MY LIVING ROOM!”

But this is why it is fortunate that these types of situations fall under his particular set of skills because in the time it took me to freak the freak out, he had quickly closed the damper and cut off the raccoon’s potential entry into our domicile. After that near life-altering crisis was averted, I asked him what he would have done if the raccoon had actually jumped out of the fireplace and he replied, “I figured the dogs could have taken him.”

Isn’t that a cheery thought? Who doesn’t want to think about how two dogs attacking a raccoon could alter the state of your living area? How does one feng shui themselves back to normalcy after that?

The answer is you’d have to burn the place to the ground.

The next morning P climbed up on the roof and looked down the chimney to make sure that the raccoon had vacated the premises before securing the top of the chimney with a metal grate to make sure the raccoon would have to find a new place to crash. But Piper still remembers what was almost the most exciting night of her life and is convinced that she’ll be able to meet up with that raccoon again if she just tries hard enough.

Meanwhile, I have my suspicions that the raccoon is up on our roof like this, celebrating how he came face to face with a man wearing gingerbread pajama bottoms and lived to tell about it.

via GIPHY

And Mabel watches Piper continue to obsess over the raccoon with a little bit of pity and disdain.

She naturally wrote a haiku about it:

I sensed dirty paws
trash panda lurking about
You’re not welcome here

And Piper wrote a poem, too.

PLS COME BCK. I WOOD LIKE TO FITE U.

This is going to be quick because I’m watching the World Series and then I’m going to need to watch tonight’s This Is Us and Caroline has been sick and it’s been a long day.

But here are a few things I thought you needed to know about:

1. Cultivate event with Kelly Minter at Currey Creek Church in Boerne, Texas

Kelly Minter is one of my favorite Bible teachers and one of my favorite people. She is just real and genuine and knows how to teach the Bible in such a relatable, practical way. And for those of you in the San Antonio area, she will be in Boerne on November 10-11 and you should totally go see her if you can. Here’s a quick blurb about the event from Kelly:

“Melanie was so kind to allow me a second to tell you about our CULTIVATE event coming to Boerne, TX near her hometown of San Antonio (and for those who follow Melanie from afar, perhaps we are in your neighborhood soon as well).

The team and I are thrilled to be coming to Currey Creek Church in Boerne, TX on Friday-Saturday, November 10-11. I would so love to meet you there. Please jump over to our website for more information and invite your friends. Hope to see you all in Boerne, TX. You can register here.”

2. The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Come and Get It!

Ree’s newest cookbook just released yesterday and it is so good. It’s full of easy ways to get dinner on the table and I am all about that. Plus, it will make the best Christmas gift.

3. Blue Willow Bookshop Signing on Saturday, October 28th at 11 a.m.

I’ll be in Houston this Saturday, October 28th at Blue Willow Bookshop. I’d so love to see you there if you can make it. It’s the best little independent bookstore and I’m so thrilled to have the opportunity to be there. They are also nice enough to send you a personalized copy of Church of the Small Things if you call ahead of time and order from them. Just click on the link above for more details.

4. oribe supershine moisturizing creme

My sweet hairstylist always sends me home with samples and I used a sample of this last week and immediately bought it because I love it so much. It’s a little pricey, but this smaller size will last you a long time because a little bit goes a long way. My hair has felt so dry lately and this makes it feel healthier and look so shiny. It’s my favorite new hair product.

5. nike air zoom pegasus running shoes

These are my favorite running shoes that I usually don’t wear for running unless you count running errands. They are so comfortable and supportive and come in a bunch of cute color options. And they are currently 25% off in some of the colors right now including this white that I adore.

That’s it for today.

Happy Wednesday.

I would like to report that I am totally well rested and back to my normal self, but that would be a lie. However, I am much closer to that than I was last week at this time so that feels like a victory. And I figured I better recount the last several days while I still vaguely remember what happened and where I was and what I did.

Last Tuesday, Gulley and I drove to Dallas for a book signing at Barnes & Noble. We made our usual stops along the way for fried chicken, a DQ Blizzard, and the cleanest bathrooms we could find. Eventually we ended up at Jamie and Trevor’s house where we hung out and caught up on life before we went to the book signing. It was so fun to meet a lot of people who were on the launch team for the book and to see some old friends and I tried to concentrate on that instead of the fact that I had to catch a 7:00 a.m. flight the next morning.

After a refreshing four hours of sleep, Gulley drove me to the airport to catch my flight to L.A. I’ve never wished more that I was one of those people who can sleep on a plane but I have never one time been that person and so I watched a movie instead since I was fortunate enough to be on a plane with the built-in screen on the seat in front of you.

When I landed at the airport I rented a car and drove myself through Los Angeles traffic to get to the Universal Studios lot where Hallmark Home and Family is filmed. The fact that I managed to do this successfully made me feel levels of accomplishment that are really beyond what is normal. I had the option to have a car and driver but my fear of getting carsick sitting in a backseat during stop and go traffic was greater than my fear of navigating traffic and unknown streets.

Once I was on the Universal lot, I was directed to turn on Steven Spielberg Drive, go past the old West town on my left and then arrive at my trailer. When I got home on Thursday, I was telling P all of this and he said, “Let me see your pictures of it.” And I had to admit I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that I didn’t take even one picture. He proclaimed that I am the worst blogger ever and I can’t disagree with him because if a blogger goes to Universal Studios and drives through an Old West town and has her own trailer and a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, then did it even happen? Doubtful.

But I managed to get through my portion of the show without shaming my family and that felt like a victory. And I ate fish and chips next to Roma Downey and so, basically, I was touched by an angel. Then I drove my rental car back to my hotel by the airport and ordered all the food from the room service menu. I’m only halfway kidding.

I realize the fact I took a picture of this but not one single part of the rest of my day confirms that I am the worst.

The next morning I made it to LAX and through security and even had time to grab a large coffee before making it to my gate. Or so I thought. As it turned out, LAX is a complicated labyrinth of nonsense and everyone headed to Texas was loaded on a shuttle bus that drove us practically to Arizona before loading us on a plane that seemed way too tiny for a three hour flight. It was a plane that was so tiny that they just passed out drinks because a drink cart wouldn’t fit down the aisle and so, of course, we ended up sitting on the runway for an hour and a half because the cargo door had a broken hinge that had to be fixed.

I finally made it back to San Antonio by mid-afternoon and was back to my real life of driving Caroline to soccer practice by that evening. P took her to school on Friday morning and I slept in. It was the best sleep I can remember in recent memory. Once I woke up, I started the laundry, cleaned up the house and ran to the grocery store because it was Homecoming weekend and Caroline was having a group of her friends over for dinner before the dance on Saturday night.

The girls all came to the house Saturday evening and ate dinner and then got dressed. There was a flurry of helping with hair and doing makeup and zipping up dresses and lots of smiles and laughter.

When I dropped them off at the dance I got a little teary-eyed and maybe it’s because I was so tired and emotional, but I think mostly it was because it was one of those moments when you are fully aware that you are living smack dab in the middle of the good ‘ol days and that this was a moment to cherish.

I picked Caroline up from the dance later that night and then we pretty much went straight to bed because, as much as that seems like plenty of excitement for one weekend, we had more on the horizon in the form of a soccer game in Houston at 10:00 a.m. Sunday morning. This means we had to be out of bed at 5:00 a.m. which means I didn’t feel like I was living my best life on Sunday morning.

But we made it to Houston and the game was terrible. The refs were terrible, the team didn’t play up to their normal level and Caroline even got her first ever yellow card. I couldn’t find the spot in her baby book for “Baby’s first yellow card” but it felt noteworthy since she’s been playing since she was in first grade. It was a milestone. It was also a bad call in my opinion, but refs tend to not ask for parental advice while officiating games.

And it didn’t even happen on this shot where she caused a defender to fall over.

Oh, and I also forgot to mention that I watched the Aggies beat Florida on Saturday night and it was very exciting and I am impressed with this team who keeps managing to win in a supremely ugly fashion, but they win nonetheless. I’ll take that all day long.

The end.

(I wrote “The End” because this is long enough to be a book. Thank you for bearing with me.)

Also, there’s an excerpt from Church of the Small Things up on Success.com today. You can find it here.