Author: Big Mama

Haunted houses and apple properties

Yesterday morning I dropped Caroline off at school and then drove to Georgetown to speak at a MOPs group. For those of you keeping track at home, that makes the third time in a week that I have utilized the I-30 toll road around Austin. I cannot adequately express my love for it and especially the fact that the speed limit on it is eighty miles an hour. This makes Sammy Hagar and I so happy.

It totally saved me yesterday because I didn’t properly estimate the amount of time it would take me to get there due to unforeseen circumstances such as Caroline’s current bang woes and that my gas tank was almost on empty. Fortunately, the gas situation was far easier to remedy than the bang situation. Honestly, I can’t even keep track if we’re growing them out or going to get them cut again. It changes by the hour. And that hour is usually between 6:45 and 7:45 a.m.

Georgetown was great. And on my way home I saw a large billboard advertising something called The House of Torment at Highland Mall. According to P, this would describe any mall experience, particularly an hour with me in Anthropologie. But I realized on second glance that this sign was referring to a haunted house at the mall.

Here’s something you may not know about me. I hate a haunted house. I’ve always hated a haunted house. Because I give new meaning to the words scaredy cat.

In fact, I remember in elementary school that there was a big Halloween carnival every year and there was always a haunted house in Mrs. Montgomery’s music room. And I’d always walk through it because, well, all my friends were doing it. Hooray for peer pressure! In hindsight it couldn’t have been that scary but I remember thinking it was the most terrifying thing ever. I hated every minute of it.

I think I managed to avoid haunted houses completely until some point in college when I went with a group of friends to the haunted house the KA’s did every Halloween. Obviously the only reason I was talked into this was CUTE BOYS. But I will tell you it didn’t end well. All of my friends and I were so scared that we basically ran through the last three rooms and then tripped and fell like dominoes on our way out, landing unceremoniously on the sidewalk. I can’t imagine why none of us got a date with a KA after that.

Anyway, I realize some people enjoy a haunted house. I am just not one of them. I do not care to stick my hand in things that feel like brains or to be chased by anyone with a chainsaw. Call me crazy.

I drove straight to pick up Caroline from school and she reminded me that I’d told her I would drive her to Learning Express because she wanted to purchase a Rainbow Loom with her own money. Did anyone see this coming? That bracelets made out of rubberbands would become a cottage industry? I have no vision.

So we went to Learning Express so she could buy the Rainbow Loom and assorted bags of rubberbands in various colors. And then we came back home where I informed her she had to finish all her homework before she could craft any of her fine rubberband jewelry.

I am the worst.

She started with a reading comprehension worksheet and then moved on to math. This required me to google “Division Terms” because I couldn’t remember which number was the “dividend” and which was the other thing that I had no idea about because I have a calculator on my phone. It’s called the “divisor” in case you’re interested.

The next thirty minutes were spent inhaling and exhaling all the air in the room with deep sighs until she finally finished the last problem. And then it was time for science.

Science homework involved a paragraph that discussed the properties of various things. There are physical properties that can be observed and then some other type of properties that require tools to measure. She needed to write an entire page about all the properties of an apple. And I know it had to be an entire page because she had the same assignment last week except it was supposed to be about mixtures and solutions found at the beach. I told her surely 3/4 of the page was good enough but I was wrong. Her teacher wanted the entire page filled out.

Judge me if you want to, but I encouraged her to use her largest handwriting to extol the properties of an apple because, seriously, how much can you say about an apple? They’re red and delicious in a pie.

(If you are her science teacher and happen to be reading this, I’m totally kidding. It’s just a little writing device called humor.)

(If you’re anyone else reading this, I’m totally not kidding. I absolutely told her she needed to write bigger.)

She sighed and blew her bangs out of her face multiple times and asked who invented homework in the first place and shared her theories about government conspiracies to ruin the lives of kids. And that’s when it hit me.

This is why I don’t need a haunted house. Because I’m already a rubberband-withholding head of a house of torment.
A weekend you can’t refuse

The most important thing you need to know is that fall weather finally made it to San Antonio around 7 p.m. Saturday night. And there was much rejoicing in my heart. Especially because I’d spent two hours of Saturday morning sweating through another 95 degree soccer game.

The cooler temperatures almost inspired me to do my bi-annual clothing switch in my closet, but that idea lost out to the superior plan of sitting on the couch most of Sunday afternoon. And the reality is that it will be in the 90’s again by Wednesday so it’s a little premature to relegate my flip-flops and sleeveless shirts to the top of the closet.

We had a relaxing weekend around here. By Friday night all three of us were so tired that we just picked up pizza for dinner and were all in bed by 10:00. Of course part of the reason for this was because we knew we had to be up early on Saturday morning to drive two hours to Hutto, Texas for Caroline’s soccer game. Two of her teammates rode with us to the game and they spent the entire trip making those bracelets out of rubber bands. It was like an arts and crafts session in our backseat set to the music of Katy Perry singing “Roar”. Which you have to admit is a catchy tune. It’s just a shame that in about two weeks I’ll be so sick of it that I’ll want to throw the speakers in my car out the window.

The game was a good one even though we lost. The other team was a little more aggressive than what we’re used to and the ref failed to charge one of their players with a penalty even after this girl tripped Caroline and caused her to flip on her back. However, Caroline took it upon herself to push the girl with both hands the next time she got in her way. And that’s when the foul was called.

We had to explain after the game that while we appreciated the intensity, she might need to learn to be more subtle than to shove someone with both hands. That kind of thing tends to get noticed.

But it gave her something to talk about all the way home. She loves to have a grievance. I think it’s the Sicilian in her. In fact, there are times she’ll tell me a story about someone eating her Cheetos at lunch or some other crime and I’ve learned the most important question I can ask is, “When did this happen?” Because invariably her answer will be something like “when I was in third grade”.

And then we have a refresher course on concepts like mercy and grace and forgiveness. Heaven help me when she’s old enough to watch The Godfather.

Anyway, we didn’t get home until mid-afternoon on Saturday. P’s birthday was Sunday so we ended up grilling some quail and I baked a chocolate sheet cake that Caroline put six candles in since he turned forty-two and four plus two equals six. The only problem was he actually turned forty-three. But it was a nice thought. She also made him a card with a drawing of the two of them on the back and even included the laugh lines around his eyes. I’m really hoping she doesn’t do the same on my birthday.

Our Sunday was spent mainly in our pajamas. We made breakfast tacos and ate more birthday cake and enjoyed the cooler weather. It was the kind of day that gave us all a chance to catch our breath before another week hits us with all the math homework and science worksheets and soccer practices.

And that was our weekend. Hope yours was good, too.
Fashion Friday: Edition wishful fashioning

I know you’re probably tired of hearing me talk about how it’s still hot. And I’m sorry.

But it’s still hot.

The good news is there is indeed a legitimate cold front on its way to Texas and by Sunday morning the temperatures should be in the mid-50s. Which means I’ll be in full on winter attire for church because I’m a native Texan and anything below 60 is bonafide winter.

And so in celebration of cooler temps on the way, I thought today should be all about the clothes you can wear when it’s not 95 degrees in October.

1. calvin klein knit collar quilted jacket

I’ve been looking for a good jacket for several years now and always procrastinate until I no longer need one. But this year is the year. And I think this might be the jacket.

2. north face osito fleece jacket

I’m also planning to get myself one of these. Caroline has one and I’m always envious when she puts it on because it’s basically like being wrapped in a stuffed animal.

Which, now that I think about it, doesn’t sound that great because CLAUSTROPHOBIA. But what I’m trying to say is this jacket is so fluffy soft and perfect to wear to Saturday morning soccer games when it gets cold outside.

3. quilted barn jacket

I saw these at Old Navy the other day and thought they were really cute.

4. pumpkin spice cowl neck sweater

I love this. Such a pretty color and perfect with jeans and boots.

5. knit baseball sweater

This is one of those great sweaters that can be dressed up or down. I think it would look precious with cuffed jeans and a pair of Converse, but equally cute with jeans and boots. Or a pair of camo pants.

6. fuzzy stripe infinity scarf

I saw this scarf on my friend Sheaffer’s blog the other day and fell in love. It comes in a few different color combos but I think this is my personal favorite.

But you can choose whichever one you want because I’m not the boss of you.

7. hive and honey slub pullover

I bought a sweater that’s similar to this the other day. I love it because it’s super soft and will be easy to throw on with all manner of things. Of course I was a little disheartened when I checked my receipt when I got home and realized it was called a “grunge” sweater.

Frankly, that seems a little judgmental. Don’t imply I might be grungy just because I enjoy a big, soft sweater.

8. striped tee

I think a striped tee is a great layering piece for fall and winter. It would look great under a puffy vest or a blazer. Or by itself with a colorful scarf. Or all of those things together.

Except maybe not the blazer and the vest because you might look like Joey in that episode of Friends when he wore all of Chandler’s clothes.

9. striped dolman cardigan

I just like this. It also comes in solid colors.

10. tissue knit cardigan

Well I am a big fan of this sweater. I think the biggest problem is choosing which color combo I’d want.

And that’s it for today.

Y’all have a good Friday.
Siri is my nemesis

I know that I have previously documented my problems with Siri. And, honestly, our relationship has pretty much come to a complete halt. I don’t feel that she is reliable and sometimes she’s even a little condescending about my Texas accent.

I can just tell that she thinks she’s better than me.

But even though I don’t ask her to perform any routine tasks anymore after being mocked too many times by her insistence that I pronounce my sister Amy’s name like Jaime’, I have still found comfort and solace in her GPS capabilities. Siri might not recognize the word “y’all” but she has always known how to get me someplace.

So before I left for Waco late Tuesday afternoon, I went to the maps function on my phone and began to type in the address of the hotel where I was staying that night. And to my shock and surprise, it filled in the address for me because it automatically recognized it from the confirmation email I’d received from the MOPs leader.

I found this to be an exciting new development and attributed it to the new upgrade. Frankly, this was really the first pleasant discovery of that whole thing and almost made up for the fact that my phone interface now feels more like a Candyland board. I really can’t even talk about the changes to the Calendar app. Sufficed to say, there’s a good chance I may miss all remaining appointments for 2013. It’s enough to make me think about going back to my paper calendar system of ye olden days.

Anyway, Siri seemed to have a good grasp of my Waco hotel location and I felt like she was trustworthy. I made it down I-35, took the game-changing toll road around Austin and then hit I-35 again. Easy breezy.

But it was when I had to exit Highway 6 that the first problem arose. Siri failed to specify which way I needed to go, north or south. I picked south and that was the wrong decision. I realized it almost immediately because I knew I should be heading toward Lake Waco.

So I made a u-turn and began to follow the rest of Siri’s directions. And she led me down Highway 6 past Lake Waco. Here is where I need to confess that I had no idea that Lake Waco was actually a lake. I mean I’ve heard people reference Lake Waco, but it never occurred to me that it was a real lake. I’m not sure what else I thought it would be, but I need you to know I was stunned by the massive body of water I crossed.

As I kept driving I began to question Siri because I have never been so out in the middle of nowhere. Eventually she told me to exit Lake Waco/Speegleville Road. So I did. Then made the turn around like she suggested and found myself at the edge of nowhere. As I sat there in my car looking at nothing but trees and desolation I became convinced that this is how it was all going to end. I’d been lured under false pretenses to Waco by a serial killer who had given me directions to a fictional hotel as part of a scheme. I concocted an entire plot to a horror movie as I sat and tried to figure out where it had all gone wrong.

I looked up the address of the hotel again and when I went to double-check my GPS I realized that Siri had taken it upon herself to delete the street address portion of my directions and had just given me directions to get to Woodway, Texas. I can tell you that it is almost as remote of a destination as Fantasy Island.

So I typed the hotel address back into the GPS only to have Siri tell me that she couldn’t help me because she couldn’t find me.

I don’t even understand.

How can you not find me? I’m right here. Holding you in my hand. There is nothing about me that is playing hard to get.

But she insisted I was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t tell me how to get where I was going because she didn’t know where I was in the first place.

Dear Siri, I hate you.

After a few minutes of being astounded and confused, common sense finally prevailed and I called the hotel to ask for directions. Just like the Ingalls family did when they crossed the Minnesota prairie. It was all so low-tech and 1985. And the nice lady on the phone gave me clear, concise directions that included normal phrases like “turn right past the 7-11”. She never once told me that she couldn’t help me because she couldn’t find me.

And confirmed once and for all that sometimes smart phones aren’t very smart at all.
A few recommendations

I’m in Waco right now.

I’m speaking to a MOPs group in the morning but I drove in to spend the night because otherwise I would have had to leave my house at 5:30 a.m. to make it here in time. And I really try to avoid 5:30 a.m. when at all possible. It’s really the best for everyone.

So I’m sitting here in my hotel room and just finished watching The Book Of Manning on ESPN. I can’t recommend it enough. Even if you’re not a football fan, I think you’ll like it.

And on that note, here are a few other things I recommend:

1. Audrey Bunny

Trust me on this. Go buy this new children’s book by Angie Smith for your kids. Or for yourself. It is absolutely precious and the illustrations by Breezy Brookshire are amazing.

2. Million Little Ways, A: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live

I love the way Emily Freeman writes. In this new book she encourages us to turn down the volume on our inner critic and uncover the unique person that God made each of us to be.

I’m only a few chapters in, but I am loving it.

3. This post on eggs by Sophie.

I have laughed all day about this post. It explains so much about why Sophie and I are friends.

Here’s my personal egg confession: Several months ago I switched to brown organic eggs. You want to know why?
BECAUSE THEY’RE PRETTIER.

4. Sunny days sweeping the clouds away

Hope you have a great day!
Fall is in the air. And the trees.

P and I just watched the news. Actually we never watch all the news. We just watch the weather. We are full on weather nerds around here.

And to make it worse when I say we watched the news, I mean that we watched the six o’clock news. We record it every day and watch the weather report around 9:00 p.m. every night when it becomes inevitable that we aren’t going to be awake for the ten o’clock news.

The upside is the weather forecast doesn’t really change much in that four hour window. And it’s not like they really know what the weather is going to do anyway. Just this past weekend they’d predicted we weren’t going to get any significant rain from an approaching cool front and we got three inches.

Anyway, they’re saying (Who? Who are they? I don’t know. Perhaps a team of crack meteorologists that sit in a tower and measure barometric pressure and other such things.) that this coming weekend we might get our most significant cool front of the season thus far. Temperatures on Sunday morning might be in the 50’s! The 50’s! And highs only in the mid-80’s. The mid-80’s! My joy will know no bounds.

But I really didn’t need the crack team of meteorologists to tell me that fall is officially in the air because this was the scene in my backyard today.

I thought maybe P had been raptured while hanging upside down from the tree in his snake boots. But then I realized if heaven was really going to be heaven for P then God wouldn’t have left the boots.

It also made slightly more sense when I looked over at the neighboring tree.

I think it’s obvious he’s just doing his part to ensure that property values in our neighborhood skyrocket due to the impressive upscale ambience.