Author: Big Mama

Well. It’s happened. I’ve totally burnt myself out on fruit smoothies.

My only solace is that I never went and bought a Ninja blender.

A few weeks ago I grew a little tired of the smoothie so I took a break. I hoped it was just a passing thing and I’d be able to get back on the smoothie bandwagon after a week or so. Then I made one for breakfast yesterday and drank the whole thing. I felt healthy and good. Maybe even a little smug to have that much spinach in my system so early in the day.

Then I made one this morning and couldn’t finish it. Which means the smoothie has gone the way of the veggie tacos and Julio’s chips and all other foods that I once ate obsessively and now can barely tolerate.

I don’t know why I think you even care about this.

But while I’m telling you useless information I might as well go ahead and share that my front tooth finally quit hurting. So there’s that.

And in light of this incredibly lame introduction, I think it’s safe to assume there isn’t much going on here right now. I’m going to blame it on the fact that I got back the edits on my book and my brain is tired from all the thinking.

In any case, here are a few quick things I wanted to tell you.

1. Some of you asked about Caroline’s Easter dress. It’s a brand called Mimi and Maggie. I actually found it on sale several months ago and bought it for a steal. I think it must be a few seasons old because I can’t find it anywhere online. However, I did find this darling Mimi and Maggie dress at Chasing Fireflies.

2. A few of you also asked about the wreath on our front door. In San Antonio there’s a ten day celebration called Fiesta that happens at the end of April. The wreath with ribbons are a Fiesta thing.

It’s actually just a grapevine wreath with a bunch of bright fake flowers. The ribbons are attached at the bottom with wire and can be removed. But I usually leave them all summer because I’m a fan.

Some people add things to their wreaths like maracas or a tiny sombrero. But I’ve never done that because I’m afraid a rat might steal the sombrero in the middle of the night and then where would I be? Up a creek without a tiny sombrero with a rat running around impersonating Speedy Gonzales.

And I bought mine so I can’t give you any kind of tutorial. However, I bet if you’re crafty it would be fairly easy to make one. I’m guessing you need a hot glue gun.

3. A few months ago I read a book called Almost Amish: One Woman’s Quest for a Slower, Simpler, More Sustainable Life by Nancy Sleeth.

I think we all know that I’m pretty much the polar opposite of almost Amish. In fact, I could write a book called Almost Totally Not Amish. But I thought it was interesting. And it made me think about how fast everything moves and ways to slow down, declutter and make life simpler.

Just thought I’d share in case you’re interested.

4. In other books news, (Is this a book blog now? What is happening?) Pete Wilson’s new book Empty Promises released yesterday. I haven’t read it yet, but here’s the synopsis from the back.

We all long for more of something in our lives. In our endless pursuit to feel worth and acceptance we find ourselves sacrificing everything for the promise to be a little more beautiful, a little richer, a little more powerful and successful, a little more loved.

How do we break free from these empty pursuits and start chasing the only Promise that will ever satisfy? How do we uncover the hidden idols that are driving us and turn our devotion toward the one true God?

Yes. That.

5. I loved this post by Jen Hatmaker. Trisha Yearwood on the Back of A Harley.

I had the Rachel haircut, I had the high-waisted jeans, I belted out Faith Hill as if my life depended on it.

And that’s all I have for today. I’ll be back tomorrow with something novel like paragraphs and a real story and that sort of thing. I’m sure it will be fascinating.

Or maybe it will just be okay. I don’t want to get your hopes up.

Okay, y’all.

I am so excited because my friend Gregg Matte, senior pastor of First Baptist Church in Houston, has written a new book. It’s called I AM changes who i am.

I’ve written before about the impact Gregg had on my spiritual life. To this day I’m not sure where I would be if I hadn’t walked into Breakaway Bible study at Texas A&M during my senior year of college. And I’ve continued to download his sermons over the years because he has a unique way of making the Bible come alive in a relatable and practical way.

In his new book, Gregg takes us through the gospel of John and the seven “I AM” statements and miracles of Jesus. It’s a challenge to step out in faith and trust that God is always at work in our lives even when it looks different from what we expected.

Best of all, there are discussion questions at the end of each chapter so you can totally use it in a small group setting if you have a small group.

(I have a small group. Gulley and I are the only members. It’s very small.)

(We will be discussing this in our small group. We meet over chips and queso every Tuesday.)

Anyway, Gregg sent me two copies to give away. Here’s what you need to do for a chance to win:

1. Leave a comment

2. I’ll close comments on Sunday, April 15th and draw two winners using random.org.

And if you can’t wait to win and need the book today (or in the time it takes to ship to your house), it’s on sale for $13.45 at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

So this was a busy weekend.

And a perfect time for the city to put a note on our door on Friday afternoon explaining there had been a computer glitch and that we needed to boil our water before drinking it “just in case”. As P so eloquently put it “they’re afraid we have poo water”.

Which is really enough to ensure that I will never drink from the tap again. Because I’m frightened that we are one “computer glitch” away from drinking poo water.

The best part is we don’t really use our front door. So we wouldn’t have known about the poo water until it was way too late. But our nice neighbor walked across the street to make sure we knew we were suddenly living in a third world country.

Fortunately, P is better than a Boy Scout. He is ALWAYS PREPARED. And he just so happened to have several cases of bottled water stocked in the back house. Oh how I have mocked his over-preparedness in the past. We live in America. What could possibly go wrong?

A computer glitch resulting in poo water, that’s what.

The part I really regret is that I got on the phone right after our neighbor informed me of the water situation and I was so wrapped up in my conversation that I neglected to tell P about it until he’d come in from mowing the yard and downed two glasses of water straight from the tap. The good news is he was perfectly fine. The bad news is his wife forgets to share important details if she’s busy talking about cute sandals.

Anyway, by Saturday morning the city had posted an update on their website informing us the water was fine. Normalcy had been restored. Which means they highly underestimate my paranoia.

Other than the water situation, it was a lovely long weekend.

On Thursday night, Caroline and I met Gulley and her boys at the little league fields for Jackson’s baseball game. And Will and Caroline got to announce the game and keep the scoreboard.

They took the whole thing very seriously. Caroline even announced she wanted to do it every day for the rest of her life. Of course Gulley and I supervised the whole thing because you never know when those two might decide they’ve been wronged by the other one.

But they loved being together so much that Caroline wanted to go home with the boys. And then Gulley and I were having such a great time talking when I showed up to pick Caroline up a couple of hours later that Caroline and I both spent the night over there.

The next morning they were leaving for Bryan and Caroline and I went home to spend the day cleaning and straightening up the house. Well, I cleaned. She ditched me after a while to go swimming with one of her friends.

By the time we met Mimi and Bops for Mexican food on Friday night, she was so tired that I thought she might pass out at the table. Fortunately, she was revived by a Shirley Temple and found the strength to go get yogurt with them after dinner.

Saturday morning, I actually got to sleep late. I would tell you how many threats I made to achieve this but I don’t want you to think less of me. By the time I woke up, P had fully initiated her into the world of our new favorite show, Duck Dynasty and she walked around the rest of the weekend saying things like “I need to find me a man that can cook squirrel brains”.

I think our work here is finished.

A little later in the morning we went to get Easter pedicures. I’d promised her a pedicure as a reward for a good report card and figured Easter was a good time to have freshly painted toes. Of course she ended up getting a manicure too because I am a sucker for the upsell. And the way they paint those little flowers on her nails.

Which is why I made her wear surgical gloves when we dyed eggs later that afternoon.

Last year we celebrated our risen Lord and Savior with stained blue and purple hands and I vowed I would do better this year. Although it could be a sign that my OCD has kicked it up a notch in the last twelve months.

Later that night we picked up barbecue. They forgot to include P’s beans and extra sausage which almost ruined his night. And probably ensures that he will now store extra beans in the back house. But the weather was great. Our tap water was (allegedly) clean. And we sat outside and enjoyed our dinner.

Caroline woke me up at 7:00 a.m. Easter morning to check out the Easter Bunny situation.

We don’t do a huge Easter Bunny thing at our house. In fact, the Bunny brings the same thing every year; a new swimsuit, a beach towel and a cover up. In other words, things I need to buy anyway. And I don’t know if you know this, but he shops at Target. Every year. Which is so weird because I’ve never seen him there.

Then we got dressed, had a small hair crisis when I curled her hair WRONG, decided on a side ponytail and still made it to church on time. Not quite a HUGE miracle in light of Easter morning, but a small miracle for us. And our church had the best service out on the hill of our new location.

After that, we made our way home to meet Mimi and Bops for lunch at our house and took approximately 742 pictures that I will now share with you whether you care or not.

And after a round of silly string and cascarones, there was one last egg hunt.

It was a good weekend. The kind of weekend that makes me ready for summer and long days and no schedule to follow.

I hope y’alls was just as good.

And that your tap water is poo-free.

I hope y’all have a wonderful Easter weekend.

May we carry His name above all names.

And if you live in the San Antonio area and are looking for a place to worship on Sunday morning, my church is having an amazing outdoor service at 10 a.m. Everyone is welcome!

Last Tuesday Gulley and I met for our usual Tuesday lunch and our friend, Donna, joined us. We spent the next hour catching up on life and talking about other important things like hair and jewelry and cute sandals.

At some point in the conversation we started talking about Donna’s oldest daughter, Avery, who had just found out she’d gotten a really great summer internship. Donna started laughing and told us that Avery had sent her a text where she’d copied a text that she’d received from her Pop, Donna’s father.

(Are you following this? I feel like it’s confusing but I’m doing the best I can.)

(Here’s the easy version. Avery got a job. She received a congratulatory text from Pop, her grandfather. She copied the text and forwarded it to Donna because it was funny.)

(Why didn’t I just say that in the first place?)

Anyway, the text wasn’t meant to be funny. The problem, Donna explained, is that Pop sends all his text messages using Siri. And I think we all know how I feel about Siri.

She’s unreliable and has no understanding of the nuances of the Southern accent.

So instead of sending his granddaughter a sweet, heartfelt message, Pop’s text instead said something along the lines of “That’s great about those mumbo jumbo hookers”.

Which isn’t really a phrase you expect to hear from your grandfather.

And it confirmed that Siri is just as worthless as she was the last time I attempted to use her when she translated my request as this:

Yes. Please set a reminder so I can remember to “pet Caroline down for a hair”. Siri, are you drunk?

And because Gulley and I have the sense of humor of two twelve-year-old boys, we decided it would be hilarious to just use Siri as our primary means of communication with each other and see what happened. But first I sent a text using Siri to Donna since she was our inspiration.

I don’t know who Donna Hutton is. And I certainly don’t know Gladine. Apparently, Siri thinks I have an alter ego who’s an eighty-four year old woman from Mississippi.

Later that day, Gulley and I began to send texts back and forth.

For the record, I was not satisfied that we couldn’t go to lunch at Alamo Cafe. I was sad. And I didn’t really need any data. And hopefully it all worked out and I was satisfactory, not Beyer.

The only part of this that is remotely accurate is that I was driving to San Marcos. I don’t know Stephanie Alamatos, Michelle, or Routhier.

I’m sure Sister Garret Allyn is a lovely person. Can’t wait to see her at half right-leaning Steve. Even though it’s a shame Steve only leans half right.

Then Gulley ate lunch with our friend, Stephanie, (not to be confused with the mythical Stephanie Alamatos) and Steph decided to join us in our juvenile behavior.

I think it goes with saying that Stephanie was not “Live in Atlanta”.

Finally, after several days of our fun at Siri’s expense, Gulley and I realized we needed to go back to normal texting. Mainly because we had no idea what each other was trying to say.

Gulley texted me later and was concerned that one of her eyes was swollen and sent me a picture of herself so that I could see if she was imagining it.

(By the way, I’m absolutely sure this is exactly how Steve Jobs envisioned his technology being used. God rest his soul.)

So I looked at the picture and assured her the eye situation was in her imagination. And then we had the following text exchange. I think it will be obvious that I decided to revert back to Siri in my last text back to Gulley.

I have always, ALWAYS, believed that Bajando know how to capture Sarah Fossett.

Now if I just knew exactly what that meant.

Other than the fact that Siri and I have a failure to communicate.